Matthew 21: Jesus gets hangry

When they got to the Jerusalem suburbs, Jesus halted the throng and was all, Look, the prophets said I would ride into town in style. So go take that donkey and her colt a few blocks away and if anyone asks, say “God needs it.” The groupies stole the donkey for Jesus. He mounted and then his followers began throwing branches and jackets down for him to ride on in some sort of ghetto-fabulous royal procession. People came out of their houses to stare at this strange parade, and when they could make themselves heard over the chanting groupies, they were all, What the fuck is this? And the groupies were all, It’s Jesus the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee!

Jesus rode up to the Temple and hulked out. With a roar, he started throwing tables and chairs around, beating up anyone who sold anything–even the sacrificial pigeon seller. People fled. Then the groupies filed in, chanting, Me-ssi-ah! Me-ssi-ah!  and Jesus healed some people. The priests were like, Whoa, guy! What’s all this then?! Jesus smirked and was all, Out of the mouths of babes, as the saying goes.

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Matthew 16: Rocky and Jesus

Some of the Pharisees and Sadducees were all, Hey Jesus, if you’re really sent from God, show us a sign. Jesus was all, Look around you, dude. And shaking his head, he left.

Later some of the groupies started freaking out because they realized they forgot to pack any food for this trip, but Jesus was all, Are you stupid? Don’t you remember all the times I miraculously fed thousands with a couple loaves of bread?

Then when they got to Caesarea Philippi, Jesus asked his groupies, Who do people thing the messiah is? And they were all ,Well, some people think it was Elijah, and some people think John the Baptist made a good candidate. And some say Jeremiah or some other prophet. Then Jesus was all, Who do you think I am? And most of them just looked at the ground, but Rocky piped up, You’re the messiah, Jesus! And Jesus looked at him and said, I guess you’re not so dumb after all, Simon bar-Jonah! Rocky, I’ll build my church on a rock as sound as you! Now, the rest of you, keep my identity secret, ok? Don’t tell anyone until after I]m arrested, tortured, and executed in Jerusalem. Rocky was all, No, Jesus! We won’t let that happen to you. But Jesus was all, Shut up, Rocky, or I’ll change your name to Satan! Now, if y’all are ready for a life of hardship, then follow me!

Matthew 14: John dies

Herod the Great, the one who wanted to kill baby Jesus, had a bunch of kids, many of whom he had to have executed because of coup attempts. After one of these, he married his granddaughter Herodias to his son Herod (Phillip) II. They lived in Rome for a while, where they had a daughter they named Salome, after her aunt. But then they got divorced, and Herodias married another one of her uncles, Herod Antipas, who was serving as a Roman client king over the province of Galilee. (See, after Herod the Great died, Rome divided the region into four sections, each ruled by one of his surviving kids (Herod Antipas, Philip the Tetrarch, Herod Archelaus, and Salome I).

Anyhoo, John the Baptist had made a big stink about Herodias’s second uncle marriage, the one with Herod Antipas. So when Herod Antipas had arrested John for generally disturbing the peace, Herodias began nagging her new uncle husband to execute the troublemaker. Herod refused. But then Herod’s birthday came around, and his step-daughter/niece Salome did a dance for him, and she danced so well, that he told her she could have anything she wanted as a reward. So she piped up, as her mother had bid her, I want the head of John the Baptist on a silver platter! Herod felt bad, but he always kept his promises, so in a twinkling, she had her wish! Later, they married her off to her uncle, Philip the Tetrarch, who was 32 years older than her.

Matthew 11: Johnny boy

Shortly after the entourage had left to proselytize, John the Baptist, who was still in jail, sent a message to Jesus, praising Jesus and asking for confirmation that he was the messiah. Jesus told the messengers, Well, I’ve healed people and raised the dead, but why don’t you stick around for the show and then tell John your opinion? Then he went before the crowd and started expostulating:

So I know many of y’all used to go see John out in the wilderness. Why? To listen to a prophet from God? Or to make fun of the homeless, starving guy? And now you come to see me, who wears always nice threads. Well, I’ll tell you what. Ain’t nobody–no human, anyway–better than John. John is a latter-day Elijah! And he’s been treated like shit. Y’all made fun of him, out there, alone and scrawny in his hair shirt, the bugs and honey clinging to his scraggly beard. Said he was demon-possessed. Didn’t care when he got arrested. And then I come along, and you come to see me, but then you complain I dress too flashy, that I eat too much. That I drink too much. That my friends are no good. Y’all just dumb!

You think I come to heal and cleanse and shit. But woe! Woe to all those who don’t believe me! Woe to entire fucking cities! Woe to Bethsaida and Chorazin, Tyre and Sidon! And woe to you Capernaum! You don’t want me there?! Well fuck you, cuz I will literally see you in hell!

Y’all need to thank God that I’m here. Thank you, Dad, for finally sending me to set these humans straight! Cuz if they listen to me and do what I say, then you’ll be happy and not smite them. Y’all hear me?

Matthew 4: Starvation, Satan, and Stuff

Afterwards, Jesus decided to wander around the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, apparently having no job, family, or other responsibilities. And since he had no job, he had no money, so he had no food, but he wasn’t inured enough to homelessness to eat bugs like John. Hunger and isolation does funny things, and by the end of those 6 weeks, he was having conversations with Satan, his dad’s old tempter-in-chief and gambling buddy.

Satan was all, Well, if you’re really a god or God’s son, why are you starving? Turn some of these rocks into bread. But Jesus was all, Dad says I gotta trust It and starve for a little longer.

Then Satan took Jesus to the top the Temple and was all, Why don’t you test out this God’s your dad theory and throw yourself off? Cuz if It’s really your dad, It’ll send angels to save you and then you’ll know for sure. But Jesus was all, Dad’s not that kind of God. It always says, Don’t test me, son! So I’m not gonna risk it. 

Matthew 3: John the Baptist

This homeless dude named John lived out in the wilderness in Judea preaching doom and destruction when he wasn’t eating bugs and honey. Since TV and the internet were still a few millennia in the future, people would go out to the countryside to watch John preach and pray. Sometimes people were convinced by John and then he would submerge them in the Jordan to wash away their sins, which was always great fun. One day, some town leaders, the Pharisees and Sadducees, came out to see what all the fuss was about, but John just yelled at them, Vipers! Snakes! There’s no way in sheol I’ll baptize you because you’re going down! I’m just a forerunner for the messiah who is going to kick ass and take names, so you better get ready!

Eventually Jesus, who was grown by now, came to Judea and went to John to get baptized. John was all, OMG! I’m not worthy! But Jesus was all, You have to so we can say the prophecies have been fulfilled. So John baptized Jesus and the a dove flew by and a voice proudly boomed out, That’s my boy!