Matthew 12: Who makes the rules?

(Sorry things got out of order)

One time, Jesus and his followers were trampling a grain field on the Sabbath, and some of the groupies started stealing grain because they were hungry. When they got to town, the local Pharisees called Jesus out on this Sabbath violation, but Jesus was all, David did it. So do priests. Besides, fuck all that. I make the rules for the Sabbath.  The Pharisees then brought forward a man with a paralyzed hand and were all, So then, is it okay if you heal him on the Sabbath? Jesus was all, Stretch out your hand, bro. And lo, the hand was healed. The Pharisees were pleased and went off together to figure out how to bring Jesus down. So Jesus skipped town.

On his way to the next town, Jesus exorcised a demon-possessed man. The Pharisees continued their gossip that he was the emissary of Beelzebub or Satan. But Jesus was all, That don’t make any sense, guys! Why would Satan work against itself? And does that mean when your people do exorcisms they are empowered by a demon? Be logical, man! And look, I’ll forgive you for talking shit about me, but don’t dis God in Its various manifestations! Y’all a bunch of hissing snakes! You gonna get yours!

So then some Pharisees were all, Well, then if you’re the messiah, show us a sign! Jesus was all, You’ll get your sign. I’m gonna be like Jonah soon. Only shit’ll be real this time. And the queen of Sheba will be there too! Man, every time evil is swept out, it just comes back seven times stronger! This generation sucks!

While he was speaking, one of his groupies whispered to him that his mom and brothers were outside waiting to talk to him. But Jesus was all, Who are my mother and brothers! This crowd is my family!

 

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Matthew 13: Parables

Later, Jesus went for a walk along the beach, but crowds started following him. So he hopped in a boat and rowed out from the shore, but the crowd just kept growing. He shrugged and, while his groupies manned the boat, started telling stories to everyone on the beach:

This dude decided to sow some seeds and he just scattered them everywhere. Some got eaten by birds, others landed in rocks and didn’t grow, and some landed in thick weeds and were choked out. Only the seeds that landed on good soil actually grew. Get it? Everyone might hear me speak, but shallow people won’t take it to heart and people too worried about life won’t listen. It’s only the rare listener whose heart is like good soil.

So this other dude sowed seeds in only good, tilled soil, but while he was asleep this asshole who hated him snuck into the field and sowed a bunch of weeds. When things started growing, the field hands asked if they should weed, but the farmer was all, No, just let everything grow together and when it’s harvest time, we’ll pull and burn the weeds before we harvest the wheat. I’m like that farmer and the devil is my asshole enemy! The harvest is the end of the world and the angels will reap the good and burn the sinners!  Continue reading “Matthew 13: Parables”

Matthew 2: The wise men

Three dudes showed up in Jerusalem and went before King Herod and was all, So where’s the crown prince that was born recently? We saw this star that totally meant that the future King of the Jews was born and we have traveled for months to bring him these awesome presents.

This freaked Herod out–he was barely hanging on to power with the Roman war machine demanding tribute and obedience. The last thing he needed was some sort of magic competitor. So he put the visitors off with something noncommittal and started asking around.  Everyone told him that the prophets promised that the messiah would be born in Bethlehem. Then he summoned the wise men and was all, The baby you’re looking for is in Bethlehem. When you find him, let me know so I can go worship him too! Continue reading “Matthew 2: The wise men”

Matthew 1: Jesus

One day there was this girl named Mary and she was engaged to this man named Joseph. But even though Joseph had never gotten so much as a cuddle, Mary’s tummy started protruding through her smock. She was clearly pregnant. Since Joseph was a decent dude, and he didn’t want her stoned to death for adultery, he decided he’d break up with her all quiet-like. The night before he was going to end things, however, he dreamed of an angel that said it was God that had knocked Mary up, so he needed to go ahead and marry her to make an honest woman of her and to raise God’s kid, who was the savior of the world all those prophets promised. The angel told Joseph to name the kid Jesus, which is cooler version of Joshua, after all the other Joshuas God had favored.

Because Isaiah and the other prophets said that the messiah would be of the lineage of David, it’s important that Joseph, Jesus’s step-dad, was the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandkid of David.