II Kings 9: Israel gets a new dynasty

Elisha sent one of the prophet trainees to Ramah to anoint a general named Jehu as king of Israel. The guy found Jehu in the officers’ tent and asked to speak to him privately. When the were alone, the prophet trainee dumped some oil on Jehu’s head and was all, God has decreed you to be the next king of Israel and that you will carry out Its curse on Ahab’s family, killing them all, as well as Jezebel! Then he ran away.

Bemused, Jehu went back into the officers’ tent. The other guys were all, what did that crazy dude want? At first Jehu was all, nothing, but they pressed him, so he was all, Well, he poured oil on my head and said I was king of Israel. The room got really quiet for a minute. Then as a body, the men rose to their feet and shouted, All hail King Jehu!  Continue reading “II Kings 9: Israel gets a new dynasty”

I Kings 21: Ahab pouts until he gets what he wants

Another time, Ahab went to his neighbor Naboth and asked to buy his vineyard, but Naboth wasn’t in the market to sell. so Ahab stormed back home and crawled into his bed and pouted. He refused to eat or talk to anyone. Eventually, Jezebel came and was all, Why are you pouting? So he told her that Naboth wouldn’t sell him the vineyard next door. Jezebel was all, Grow a pair! You’re the king! Fine, you want the vineyard. I’ll get you the vineyard. And she wrote letters in the king’s name to the elders of Naboth’s town and told them to frame him for treason and make sure he was executed.

When word came that Naboth was dead, Ahab gleefully went to claim his property. While he was celebrating in his new garden, Elijah came by and was all, For murdering the man for his vineyard, God has decreed that you and all your male relatives will die and be eaten by scavengers. Moreover, you and your wife will be eaten by dogs!

At this Ahab wailed and repented so piteously that God was all, Fine. I won’t commence the elimination of his family until his son comes to the throne. But it will happen soon.

I Kings 19

When Ahab told Jezebel that Elijah got all the other prophets killed, she was pissed. She sent him a message saying as Baal as her witness, she would see Elijah dead. This freaked Elijah out pretty badly and he fled into the desert. Eventually he flopped down underneath a broom tree and was all, God, I have done thy bidding. Please let me die now! Then he fell asleep.

Some time later, an angel shook him awake and was all, eat this. So Elijah ate, and then passed back out. A bit later the angel woke him up to eat again and then again a third time, saying, You’ll need your strength because this is the last food you’ll see til Mount Horeb, which will take you, like, forty human days to get there or something. Mortals are so limited.

On Mount Horeb, Elijah crawled into a cave to hide, but God was all, Yo, Elijah, what are you doing on my mountain? Shouldn’t you be in Israel or someplace prophesying?  Continue reading “I Kings 19”

I Kings 18: Elijah ends the drought and gets some people dead

The famine and drought were terrible. After three years there wasn’t even enough weeds or scrub brush to feed the livestock. Ahab and his head bureaucrat Obadiah decided to divide the land to scour it for any vegetation to sustain at least some of the animals.

On his journey, Obadiah met Elijah who was coming to confront Ahab again. Elijah was all, Go inform your master that I have come.

But Obadiah was all, What! Why do you want me dead? Don’t you know that I’m the guy who hid and sheltered, like, 100 prophets when Jezebel was on the warpath looking for you? Yeah, I mean she killed like all the prophets, but I saved as many as I could for as long as I could. Now you want me to go tell Ahab that I’ve found you? What if God whisks you away in the meantime? He’ll totally kill me.

Elijah answered, Never fear, my good man. God will do no such thing. Go inform Ahab!  Continue reading “I Kings 18: Elijah ends the drought and gets some people dead”

I Kings 16: Some Kings in Israel

Eventually the prophet Jehu went to Baasha and was all, God says that since you haven’t followed It, Its going to crush your house and all your male relatives will be eaten by scavengers.

When Baasha died, his son Elah came to the throne. He reigned for two years before one of his commanders assassinated him while he was drunk. General Zimri only lasted seven days before General Omri marched against him. When Zimri saw all hope was lost, he set his house on fire and burned himself alive.

Omri set himself up as king, but half the kingdom rallied behind this other dude named Tibni. Civil war ensued, and eventually Omri killed Tibni.

About midway through his twelve year reign, Omri bought this hill and built the fortified city of Samaria upon it, which then became the capital of Israel.

When Omri died, his son Ahab became king and ruled for 22 years. Ahab married a Sidonian princess named Jezebel, and they not only built temples to Baal, and worshiped in them, Ahab also ordered Jericho rebuilt (which had been destroyed by God’s command by Joshua way back centuries before).