Did I tell you about the time, in the seventh year of exile, that some elders came to consult with me, and God told me to judge them? God said, Human, judge these men and tell them they’re not worthy! Tell them of Israel’s sins!
So I said to them, I said, God says you are not worthy! You are idolaters like your ancestors! When God brought the Jews out of Egypt, It told us to stop worshiping idols and other Gods. But our ancestors did not! And God thought about smiting them then, but It didn’t because It thought that might look bad and hurt Its reputation. So It gave our ancestors laws and stuff, thinking that might help them worship It right. But not our ancestors! They continued worshiping idols on the side. And God again thought about smiting them, but decided that doing so would probably, definitely hurt Its reputation. So instead It gave us a bunch of bad laws that would make our lives worse. Centuries have passed, and the Jews still worship other gods and idols on the side, and God has had enough! It is breaking up with us and leaving us to our idols! It’s finally going to smite us, reputation be damned!
Oh, and another time, I told everyone that a forest fire would ravage the Negev, and then when word came that it had, everybody was really amazed.
Once upon a time, there was a wealthy man named Job who was a devout follower of God.
Now one day, in another dimension or sphere or something, all the angels went to report to God. One of the angels was Satan, and it reported that it had been traveling around Earth. God was all, What do you think about the human Job? He seems to worship me better than anyone else!
Satan was all, Yeah that guy. He only worships you like that because he’s prosperous. If he lost everything, I bet he’ll curse you, just like the rest of them. Continue reading “Job 1: God and Satan make a bet”
At the age of 16, Azariah inherited from his father Amaziah. As was told in II Kings 15: Game of thrones, the Divided Kingdom, although his reign was long, much of it he spent in confinement, stricken with leprosy.
It turns out that Uzziah, as he was also called, had several successful wars, with the Philistines, the Ammonites and others, and that other peoples paid him off to keep him from attacking him. All of this treasure enabled the king to go on a building and restoration spree, which generally improved the economy as well as his own popularity. All of this went to his head, and he tried to worship God without going through the proper Levite channels. Unfortunately, this pissed God off and that’s why he was became a leper.
Hezekiah was pretty upset at Tartan’s message, so he sent his butler, his secretary and his stenographer on to the prophet Isaiah for some advice. Isaiah told the lackeys to tell the king that God had his back.
Lo and behold, early next morning, General Tartan broke camp without warning and headed back to King Sennacherb to the front in Libnah. Of course, within a few years, Sennacherb again sent a large army with threatening messages to accost Hezekiah at the walls of Jerusalem. Hezekiah prayed so prettily that God told Isaiah to tell Hezekiah that It would rout the Assyrians, but that in return, the Judeans would have to refrain from sowing for the next two years and live entirely off the forage and volunteers.
That night, an angel came and smote 185,000 Assyrians, causing the rest to flee and for many jobs to be created in Judah.
Sometime later, back in the Assyrian capital of Nineveh, while Sennacherb was praying in the temple of Nisroch, his two sons, Adrammelech and Sharezer, murdered him. His other son, Esarhaddon, became king.
So this other time, Elijah and Elisha were in Gilgal doing prophet stuff when Elijah was all, Look, Elisha, I have to go to Bethal. You should just stay here. But Elisha was all, Never! I will follow you, wherever you may lead!
In Bethel, the other holy men were all, Hey, Elisha, we hear that Elijah’s going to be taken by God soon? And Elisha was all, Shut up about it! I know!
Then Elijah was all, Well, now it looks like I have to go to Jericho. Really, Elisha, just stay here. But Elisha was all, I will will follow you, wherever you may lead!
So they went to Jericho. The holy men there were all, Pssst. Elisha! God’s going to take Elijah today! Elisha was all, I know! SShhhhh…here he comes! Continue reading “II Kings 2: Elijah, Elisha, whatever”
King Ahaziah fell out of an upper-story window of his house and was badly injured, so he sent some servants to go inquire about his chance of recovery at the shrine of Baal-zebub in Ekron. However, the servants returned in just a couple hours and were all, So we were on our way to Ekron, but this dude stopped us and told us to come back and tell you that the Hebrew God is pissed that you were going to inquire of Baal-zebub instead of It, so you will die of your injuries.
Ahaziah was all, What did this guy look like? The servants answered that he was wearing this weird ratty hair cloak held together with a leather belt. Ahaziah was all, Figures it’s Elijah. He was always taunting and bothering my father. So he sent a captain with fifty soldiers to capture Elijah. Continue reading “II Kings 1”
When Ahab wasn’t dealing with Elijah, he did other things. Like war with neighboring kingdoms. For instance, this one time, King Ben-hadad of Syria decided he would go kick some Hebrew ass, so he gathered his 32 best king/warlord pals and marched on Samaria. He sent a message in to Ahab, saying Give us your best women and all your gold.
Ahab looked out from the city walls at the immense army stretching as far as the eyes could see, and was all, Oh fuck. And he sent a message back saying, Sure, whatever. Women and gold, how much exactly?
Now, Ben-hadad was really just looking for a fight, so he sent back the message, We don’t know. Let us come in and take what we want! Continue reading “I Kings 20: Ahab’s other activities”
Elijah, a prophet from Tishbe, went to Ahab to tell him that God was pissed, so It was going to cause a horrible drought and famine until the time Elijah said it would rain. Then Elijah went to hide out near Cherith Creek because Jezebel and Ahab were searching for him and killing every prophet they came across. The creek gave him water and ravens brought him food morning and evening.
Eventually, though, Cherith dried up. God was all, Yo, Elijah, go to Zarapeth. I’ll arrange for this widow woman to feed you there.
So Elijah went to Zarapeth and sat outside the city gates on the lookout for this widow. Finally, he spied her gathering firewood. He was all, Excuse me, madam, please bring me some water. She sighed and turned to do his bidding, but then Elijah was all, And bring me some food too. Continue reading “I Kings 17:Elijah enters the story”
Eventually the prophet Jehu went to Baasha and was all, God says that since you haven’t followed It, Its going to crush your house and all your male relatives will be eaten by scavengers.
When Baasha died, his son Elah came to the throne. He reigned for two years before one of his commanders assassinated him while he was drunk. General Zimri only lasted seven days before General Omri marched against him. When Zimri saw all hope was lost, he set his house on fire and burned himself alive.
Omri set himself up as king, but half the kingdom rallied behind this other dude named Tibni. Civil war ensued, and eventually Omri killed Tibni.
About midway through his twelve year reign, Omri bought this hill and built the fortified city of Samaria upon it, which then became the capital of Israel.
When Omri died, his son Ahab became king and ruled for 22 years. Ahab married a Sidonian princess named Jezebel, and they not only built temples to Baal, and worshiped in them, Ahab also ordered Jericho rebuilt (which had been destroyed by God’s command by Joshua way back centuries before).