Amos 8: Fruit basket

The last recorded message of Amos.

God showed Amos a basket of fruit and was all, Amos, what do you see?

Fruit, Amos answered.

Exactly, said God. The time is ripe for Israel’s punishment. All the sinners and oppressors of the poor will die bloody deaths. They will long for me, but I will ignore them!

 

(And so ends the words of Amos. Next the blessedly short Obadiah)

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Amos 7: Woe to those who try to silence critics

Amos told everyone,  God showed me possible futures. First, God showed me a swarm of locusts eating up the harvests and everyone starving. I begged it not to do that to us. So It said It wouldn’t. Then It showed me a wildfire burning up Israel, and again I begged It to please not let that happen. And God said It wouldn’t. Later it showed me a really straight tall wall, and asked, what do you see? And I answered, a wall. And It was, Exactly. This wall means that I will spare Israel no longer. It will be destroyed.

Because Amos went around telling people stuff like this, the priest Amaziah sent a letter complaining to King Jeroboam that Amos was a troublemaker. On the king’s authority, Amaziah told Amos to get the hell out of Israel and go back to Judah. Amos was all, Look, I’m just a shepherd. But God commanded me to come to Israel to tell you all these things. And It tells me I have to stay and continue. So for trying to stop me, God will curse you. Your wife will become a whore and you children will be murdered. Your land will be stolen and you will be sent into exile with the rest of the Israelites.

Amos 6: Woe to the complacent

Woe to the complacent who don’t worry about impending disaster! Who turn blind eyes to the signs of the impending disasters! You say, nothing’s happened yet, so who cares, and continue wallowing in your decadence and luxury! Go! Look at the places that God as destroyed and know who did it!

God says, I absolutely detest your smug pride and I will cause nations to attack and destroy you!

Amos 5: Same old, same old

Amos said, God says to tell you that you’re fucked. It says, Israel’s troops will be decimated. If you seek allies, they will betray you. Your only hope is to turn to the star-maker, me, God. And I’m mad at you because you tax and oppress the poor while you live in luxury. I wish you would repent and stop doing evil. Then I might have mercy. But you won’t. So woe to you! Meeting my anger is like meeting a hungry lion in a dark canyon. I mean, I hate how you worship! All your religious ceremonies disgust me. I can’t stand your hypocritical frippery! You idol worship and betray me. For these reasons, those of you that I don’t kill will be sent into exile.

Amos 4: We’re being punished

So listen up you lazy cows who sit around demanding your slaves wait on you! God’s pissed. And It plans on casting you out, so you had better repent and offer some scacrifices.

It’s amazing that you guys haven’t figured it out yet. I mean, half of you are starving to death and still haven’t repented. This drought? It’s a punishment from God. The blights that have destroyed several harvests over the past several years? Punishments from God. And the all the wars and the defeats we’ve suffered? Punishments from God! But nothing’s worked and still you sin on, so now God, the creator of the world, is going to take you out of it!

Amos 3: Disasters come from God

Look people, continued Amos, God’s anger is self-evident. Two people have to agree to walk together, right? Lions only roar when there’s something to roar at, right? Birds only fly into traps with bait, right? Alarms only go off when there’s emergencies, right? Well, when there’s a disaster, then you know God caused it. And if God caused a disaster, you can be sure It has told Its prophets, like  me, all about it. And I’m telling you that all the bad things that happen are because God’s mad at you for sinning. And It’s about to bring down the house.

Amos 2: The rest of the shit list

Moab will burn for crushing Edom.

Judah will burn for cheating on God.

Israel will burn because they sell off God’s dishes, get drunk on the sacrificial wine, treat poor people like shit, and turn a blind eye when fathers and sons both have sex with the same girl.

God will destroy all these nations like It did the Amorites. God brought you out of slavery and Egypt and rose you up high and It will cast you down!

Amos 1: I bet you can guess

During the reign Azariah in Judah and Jeroboam in Israel  , two years before the great earthquake, this shepherd named Amos started prophesying:

God is angry! Its voice withers the pastures on Mount Carmel! God says It’s going to burn Damascus and its royal line. The Syrians will go into exile in Kir. Gaza, too, is marked for destruction. Tyre will burn. Edom will burn. The Ammonites will be burned and sent into exile because they killed pregnant women in Gilead.

Ezekiel 20: Judging elders

Did I tell you about the time, in the seventh year of exile, that some elders came to consult with me, and God told me to judge them? God said, Human, judge these men and tell them they’re not worthy! Tell them of Israel’s sins!

So I said to them, I said, God says you are not worthy! You are idolaters like your ancestors! When God brought the Jews out of Egypt, It told us to stop worshiping idols and other Gods. But our ancestors did not! And God thought about smiting them then, but It didn’t because It thought that might look bad and hurt Its reputation. So It gave our ancestors laws and stuff, thinking that might help them worship It right. But not our ancestors! They continued worshiping idols on the side. And God again thought about smiting them, but decided that doing so would probably, definitely hurt Its reputation. So instead It gave us a bunch of bad laws that would make our lives worse. Centuries have passed, and the Jews still worship other gods and idols on the side, and God has had enough! It is breaking up with us and leaving us to our idols! It’s finally going to smite us, reputation be damned!

Oh, and another time, I told everyone that a forest fire would ravage the Negev, and then when word came that it had, everybody was really amazed.

Job 1: God and Satan make a bet

Once upon a time, there was a wealthy man named Job who was a devout follower of God.

Now one day, in another dimension or sphere or something, all the angels went to report to God. One of the angels was Satan, and it reported that it had been traveling around Earth. God was all, What do you think about the human Job? He seems to worship me better than anyone else!

Satan was all, Yeah that guy. He only worships you like that because he’s prosperous. If he lost everything, I bet he’ll curse you, just like the rest of them. Continue reading “Job 1: God and Satan make a bet”