Deuteronomy 23: People Banned from the Sanctuary and other Rules

Moses was all, Oh, and men with damaged genitals are not allowed in the Sanctuary. Only real men in there.

Also, people descended from unions forbidden by these rules are not allowed in the Sanctuary, for ten generations.

And Moabites and Ammonites are never to be allowed in the Sanctuary because they hired Balaam to curse you. I mean, you killed all the men, but, you know, the ones descended from the women you all split up as plunder. Continue reading “Deuteronomy 23: People Banned from the Sanctuary and other Rules”

Deuteronomy 22

Moses kept on with the laws, some old, some new. Like, if someone loses something, don’t be a dick, but pick it up and give it back. And cross-dressers are abominations. Or Don’t kill a bird and her young on the same day.  And put railings on your roofs so people don’t fall off and die.

He reminded them that God really hates it when they mix unlike things, like two kinds of seeds or two types of threads.

He explained that if a man accused his new wife of not being a virgin, and she could prove she was, then he was to be whipped, fined 40 ounces of silver and he was never allowed to divorce her. But if she wasn’t a virgin–or couldn’t prove she was–then she was to be stoned to death.  And fornicators and adulterers were also to be executed. But if a man raped a unbetrothed virgin, then he had to pay her father 20 ounces of silver and marry her.  But is she was bethrothed, then the man gets executed only.

And oh, it’s a sin for a son to sleep with his father’s wives.

Numbers 30

At some point, Moses explained that the rules about vows were gender-based. Men had to keep whatever vow they made, but women’s vows required the approval of the man that owned them. If a woman made a vow and her husband or father vetoed it within a day or so of learning about it, then the woman didn’t have to keep the vow. But if male owner didn’t countermand it, then she did have to keep it. If the man who owned her didn’t say anything at first, but later told her she had to break her vow, then the punishment for oath-breaking fell on him and not her. If a woman was divorced or widowed and therefore had no male owner, her vows were treated like those of men.

Genesis 1: Creation

In the beginning, the singularity that we theorize to have existed before the Big Bang, well, banged or whatever, and began spiraling out as the universe. And God or whatever made the bang bang took an extreme interest in our solar system. It took extra special care forming the sun, the moon, and the earth. Especially the earth. The blue planet started out all covered with water, so God caused volcanoes to erupt and made land. Slowly simple life forms in the oceans evolved into complex multi-cellular creatures that eventually evolved into plants and animals that could survive on land. Then God (we’ll call It God for convenience sake, and capitalize it because that’s Its name in this story), anyway God got bored with all that and decided to make dolls that looked like It to play with in this world It claimed to have created. So It took some dirt and made a boy doll and a girl doll.