God continued, The East gate will never be opened! Never! Because it will be my private entrance and I’m insubstantial. Only the king will be allowed to approach the East gate, but he will have to use the vestibule door.
The Temple priests. Well, most of the Levites pissed me off, but they are still of the priestly class, so they will be assigned to all the menial Temple duties. Only the descendants of Zadock will be allowed to do duty in the Inner Temple. All priests will have to wear all linen. No wool! Even if it’s a bad winter. Wool makes you humans sweat, and I can’t abide human excretions. I don’t know why I made you so leaky. It’s just gross. The priests will need to keep their hair trimmed nicely–not too long or too short, but they should grow glorious hipster beards. They must marry Jewish virgins or widows of priests. They are not allowed to drink in the Temple complex! They should also always abide by all my laws! For this they will receive the firstfruits.
One of the things that pissed me off the most and that caused me to destroy Jerusalem was that you guys let all kinds of people and things in the Temple. No more of that! No foreigners or uncircumcised people are allowed in the Temple!
God also says, If you actually want to come back to me, then do it already! Destroy all your idols and altars! Get circumcised! Become true believers! Or you will burn.
God wants me to tell you in Judah that you better get into your fortified cities and get your sackcloth ready because armies are going to sweep down from the north, like lions over a flock of unguarded sheep. I begged God not to do it, but It said It is judging you. It must cleanse you of evil with sword and fire! All the impending disasters and tragedies are your own fault. God says we should be grateful that It isn’t wiping out all of humanity!
When word spread that the Jordan had stopped flowing so the Hebrews could cross over, panic and terror spread through all the Canaanites and Amorites.
However, they really shouldn’t have worried (and really should have gone on the offensive) because Joshua decided that everyone needed to get circumcised while they were camped at Gilgal. Apparently none of the boys born since they left Egypt had been circumcised, and it was time to renew the covenant with God, since they were finally in the Promised Land. So all the men and boys (because everyone who had been in Egypt had since died) had their foreskins cut off with stone knives and they had to camp out for a few weeks while they healed.
They also celebrated Passover while camped there.
Also, one day, Joshua was out reconnoitering Jericho and an angel appeared before him and freaked him out.
Unfortunately, the dude that ran the town that Jacob decided to settle in thought Jacob’s daughter Dinah was hot. The dude, whose name was Shechem, kidnapped and raped her. But, he wanted to do the right thing afterwards, and went to the family to offer a bride price with the promise to marry her. Dinah’s brothers hid their rage and agreed to the swap, if Shechem and all his boys would get circumcised. Shechem apparently really wanted to make peace because he agreed to the terms. A couple days later, when all the men were hobbled from having their foreskins cut off with primitive iron knives without anesthetic, Dinah’s brothers Simeon and Levi swooped in and killed them. Then all the brothers plundered the town and took all the women and children as slaves.
When Jacob found out what his sons had done, he got pissed. He was all, what happens when Shechem’s friends retaliate? What happens if we want to move and no one will let us stay because they’ve heard you guys were killers? But his sons were all, who cares, pops? No one treats our sister like a whore.
This is the chapter in which God decides to change Abraham and Sarah’s names. I guess It didn’t like their old ones anymore. This is also the chapter in which God decides It really doesn’t like the foreskin and that all Its dolls needed to cut that icky bit of skin off from now on. So God again tells Abraham that his descendants will own all the land thereabouts, only this time in order to earn it, Abraham and all his men and all of their male descendants need to slice off that wee bit of skin. God also promises Abraham that Sarah will have a son that It will really really like, even though Sarah is going through menopause. Abraham’s rightly worried about his actual son Ishmael, but God blows him off with a promise that Ishmael would be blessed too.