Ezekiel 31: Lament for Pharaoh

Later in the eleventh year of exile, God told me to sing this lament for Pharaoh:

Mr. Big Stuff

Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff

You’re never gonna get God’s love.

Now because you wear that false beard, oh yeah,

And have a big chariot, Oh yes you do now.

Do you think God will still give you Its love?

You think you’re higher than every star above, oh yeah.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 31: Lament for Pharaoh”

Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh

God inspired me to write this lamentation about the gradual destruction of the Judean royal family:

In the Negeb, the mighty Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

In the Negeb, the blessed Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh Continue reading “Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh”

Ezekiel 17: An eagle and a cedar, or maybe a vine

God came to me and said, Human, I want you to tell everyone this story, so listen closely so you’ll remember it!

One day this beautiful eagle with rainbow feathers flew to Lebanon and broke off the top of a cedar tree. Then he flew to a prosperous city of merchants and planted that branch in the flood plain, where it grew into a beautiful flourishing grape vine! The eagle was pleased. But then another, bigger, more beautiful eagle came and landed next to the vine, and the fine started growing toward him and giving him all its fruit! So will this vine, torn between the love of two eagles, thrive? Or will it die?

You look confused, human.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 17: An eagle and a cedar, or maybe a vine”

Jeremiah 44: But we need a goddess

Being forcibly carried into Egypt by  his compatriots of course didn’t change Jeremiah’s tune. He continued preaching destruction and desolation. In particular he singled out the idolatry of the women who continued offerings and prayers to the Queen of Heaven, hallowed by her name, be it Asherah, Ishtar, Isis, or Aphrodite. Jeremiah intoned, The cheating on God continues, especially among the women, and for that, you are all doomed to destruction!

The men folk told Jeremiah, Go suck an egg, you old debbie downer! Mind your own business and leave us to tend to our women! If you wanted a wife to boss, you shoulda got married! If God didn’t want our wives to make offerings to the Queen of Heaven, then It should have manifested Itself a feminine version for them!

Jeremiah just raised his eyes and said, You should all renew your vows to God and stop cheating on It, or you’ll be sorry! But because you won’t, you’ve condemned Pharaoh Wahibre Haaibre and all his people to death and destruction at the hands of Nebuchadnezzar!

Jeremiah 43: No one listens to Jeremiah

Everyone was all, You’re just a Babylonian spy, Jeremiah! You’re a traitor and a liar! God doesn’t talk to you. Fuck you and your prophecies. We’re going to Egypt, and by damned, you’re coming with us!

When they got to Egypt, to Tahpanhes on Lake Manzala, where Pharaoh had a summer palace, Jeremiah took some stones and hid them in the pavement in front of the one of the palace gates and was all, Mark this spot! For here, Nebudcadnezzar will destroy Pharaoh and all Egypt! He will cast down the obelisks of Heliopolis–well most of them anyway! In any case, Egypt will not prove a safe haven. It will burn, just like Jerusalem!

Psalm 105

Rejoice, oh chosen of God

because It promised to love us always.

It made a deal with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

It led them into Egypt’s blaze

and, through Moses, back out again!

Upon the Egyptians It smote

plague upon plague

until the Nile itself did bloat

with carcasses and cadavers.

It permitted the Israelites to take

all the riches found in Pharaoh’s land.

Fed them with manna and from the rock their thirst did slake.

Psalm 78

Listen to the story of our people.

We are mighty and not feeble.

God chose us to be Its nation.

Jacob’s sons were Its foundation.

It led us out of Egypt.

Wouldn’t let Pharaoh reach us.

Fed us manna in the desert

and water from the rocks spurted out.

But our people sinned and angered God.

Learned what it was like to feel Its rod.

Plagues and famines, floods and danger.

Wars, rape, murder and exile.

Numbers 23: The Further Adventures of Balaam

So Balaam said to Balak, build seven altars and sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams, and I’ll climb that mountain over there and talk to God. God told Balaam to go back and recite the following poem:

From Aram Balak has brought me
To curse the Hebrew tribes
But how can I curse what God loves?
Such a thing just doesn’t jibe.

The Hebrews are a mighty people
They spread out far beneath
I cannot curse such greatness, no
Lest God should gnash Its teeth. Continue reading “Numbers 23: The Further Adventures of Balaam”