One day, God told Jeremiah to go buy some new underwear–nice ones, like Calvin Klein or Bon Bons. A couple days later, as Jeremiah was enjoying the slide of his silky drawers, God was all, Now I want you to go down to the Euphrates and bury your underwear in the river bank. Jeremiah was all, Um….Ok….Then a few days after that, God was like, Hey Jeremiah, go dig up those underwear. So Jeremiah went and retrieved his now muddy, torn, ruined panties. God was all, I’m going to ruin Judah like you did those underwear!
Another time, God told Jeremiah to go tell people that God would turn them all into alcoholics, from the king to the beggar, and not happy drunks, either, but surly drunks, who would destroy each other with fighting.
That they would all go into exile and have pain worse than childbirth. He told them, God says, Can the leopard change its spots? No? That’s while I will scatter you! I will see you punished! I will hold your skirts over your heads–hold you down–while you are raped and murdered!
Isaiah prophesied that one day Babylon would burn and everyone inside would writhe in terror, like a woman in labor before anesthetic was invented. On that day, the sun will darken! The moon will disappear! People will scatter and be hunted down like rats! Rats! Invaders will loot houses! Implacable, they will rape the Babylonian women and smash Babylonian babies’ heads in! Babylon will be razed like Sodom and Gomorrah. It will never be inhabited again!
God don’t call anymore.
It’s so different from the way it was before.
Everyday I listen for Its voice.
I have no choice, but to be all alone without God.
There’s so many mistakes we make as king.
But I think this is something worth fixing.
I take all the blame for fucking that girl
God, I could still be your shiny pearl.
She didn’t mean anything to me. (nothing)
She wasn’t the one I see in my dreams. (oh no)
God, you know it ain’t true.
Please accept my apology.
Please accept my apology.
I didn’t mean to hurt you, God.
After enjoying this second repast, the king again asked his wife what it was she desired. Esther was all, If I have please my lord then grant me merely this–my life and the life of my people!
The king was all, Wha?!?!
Esther continued, If we had merely been sold into slavery, then I would have held my tongue, but we have been condemned to utter annihilation!
Ahasuerus was all, What on earth are you talking about, Esther? Who has done this?
Esther pointed at Haman, Him! This wicked Haman! Continue reading “Esther 7: The trap is sprung”
On David’s decent of the Mount of Olives, he was met by Ziba, Mephibosheth’s servant, who had a bunch of food and some donkeys for David. David was all, Thanks! Is this from Mesphisbosheth? Where’s he at? Ziba was all, Um, actually this is from me. Mephibosheth is back in Jerusalem, waiting for the people to return the throne to him. David was all, What? After all I’ve done for him? Well, fuck him. All his property is now yours.
Later, as David approached the town of Bahurim where he planned on camping, a dude named Shimei, who was from Saul’s clan, began trailing the the troop from a nearby hill. He started throwing rocks at David and calling him a worthless whoreson murderer and other obscenities. Abishai was all, Sire, you want that I should go cut off that loser’s head? But David was all, What’s with you bloodthirsty brothers? No! If he curses me, God wills it. I mean, my own son is trying to kill me. Let him curse. Maybe God will turn his curses to blessings. Continue reading “II Samuel 16: Family Strife Continues”
David’s harem produced many children. One of this sons, Amnon developed a massive crush on his half-sister Tamar, Absalom’s whole sister. One day, while Amnon was going on and on about how hot she was a how bad her to their first-cousin Jonadab, when Jonadab was all, Dude, stop moaning about her! I bet if you play sick and tell the king that the only thing that will make you feel better is to have Tamar nurse you, David will totally order her to do it. Then you’ll have your sister at your house, alone, and totally at your mercy.
So Amnon played sick and asked for his sister. Tamar came and started cooking him lunch. While she was busy, he sent all his servants away. When she brought him the food, he grabbed her wrist and was all, Why don’t you crawl in bed with me? She started trying to pull her wrist away, begging, Brother no! Let me go! Please don’t rape me! But Amnon dragged her into bed. She continued to struggle and was all, Please! Not like this! I’m sure that if you asked our father for me, he would give me to you. Then at least it would be honorable! But Amnon ignored her pleas and raped her. Continue reading “II Samuel 13: Iron Age Family Drama”
While Joab was out fighting the Ammonites, David was dawdling around back in Jerusalem. One day he looked out his window and, on the roof next door, he saw a beautiful naked woman who happened to be bathing to clean herself after her period. David watched her bathe with lust in his heart.
Later, he made some inquiries and learned she must have been Bathsheba, wife of Uriah the Hittite, one of his loyal soldiers. But David was not used to having his desires unfulfilled, so he ordered Bathsheba brought to him and raped her (as she had no ability to consent) then sent her back home.
A few weeks later, Bathsheba sent word to David that she was pregnant. David did not survive survive all those years as an outlaw for nothing–he immediately sent to the front to have Uriah sent back to Jerusalem to report on the state of the war. Continue reading “II Samuel 11: David and Bathsheba”
When the harvest came, Ruth went out to glean behind the reapers who belonged to the clan that Elimelech came from. One day, while she was hard at work, Boaz, a rich cousin of Elimelech, stopped by his fields to check on his reapers’ work. He noticed Ruth out there gleaning away, and asked his workers who she was. They told her that she was Naomi’s daughter-in-law from Moab, and that she had been out there at first light and had barely taken any breaks. Boaz was all, interesting. Let her glean as much as she wants and make sure no one hurts her.
Then Boaz walked up to Ruth and told her that from then on, she should only glean his fields and that she should go out with and stay near his female servants so that no one would sexually assault her. He also assured her that he commanded his own male servants not to lay a finger on her. Also, he said, feel free to drink the water that I provide for my servants. Continue reading “Ruth 2: Ruth Meets Boaz”
After the war was over, the Hebrew leaders got together to discuss what to do about Benjamin. It wouldn’t do to let one of the twelve tribes die out. Twelve was a magic number and created by God. But there were only like a couple thousand men of Benjamin left and pretty much no marriageable women. To make it worse, all the tribal leaders that met at Mizpah had vowed never to give their daughters in marriage to Benjamin. And it wouldn’t do to have them marry foreign women from any of the other regional ethnic groups. Continue reading “Judges 21: Wives for Benjamin”
Moses kept on with the laws, some old, some new. Like, if someone loses something, don’t be a dick, but pick it up and give it back. And cross-dressers are abominations. Or Don’t kill a bird and her young on the same day. And put railings on your roofs so people don’t fall off and die.
He reminded them that God really hates it when they mix unlike things, like two kinds of seeds or two types of threads.
He explained that if a man accused his new wife of not being a virgin, and she could prove she was, then he was to be whipped, fined 40 ounces of silver and he was never allowed to divorce her. But if she wasn’t a virgin–or couldn’t prove she was–then she was to be stoned to death. And fornicators and adulterers were also to be executed. But if a man raped a unbetrothed virgin, then he had to pay her father 20 ounces of silver and marry her. But is she was bethrothed, then the man gets executed only.
And oh, it’s a sin for a son to sleep with his father’s wives.