Zechariah 14: This is how the world will end

God says that one of these days, all the nations of the world will unite in battle against Jerusalem. The city will fall on the first attack. It will be plundered and all the women raped and half the people will be sent into exile. But then on the second attack, God will enter the battle and defeat the enemies by causing them to rot. Like their eyes and their tongues will rot like the Nazis who looked in the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones! It will stand on the Mount of Olives and that mountain will split into and everyone will flee in terror! And then, it will always be spring and summer and always twilight! And two rivers will begin flowing from Jerusalem in different directions, like it’s the continental divide! And the only mountain will be the one Jerusalem is on! Everything else will be flat! And all the riches of the world will flow into Jerusalem! It will be the richest place on earth! And God will live there and be king of the world! And anyone who doesn’t worship It will suffer drought and starvation! And bells will all chime hymns! Everything will be great!

 

(So ends Zechariah. There is only one more Old Testament book left!)

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Habakkuk 2: God answers

Habakkuk continued, I’ll wait for my answer over here.

God was all, You better write this down, bro, because what I’m about to drop this so important. First, true believers live by faith alone. They don’t need no evidence! Second, wine and/or wealth totally leads to greed, sin, and Sheol. Furthermore, in this message is for the Babylonians, even though I’m sending you to punish Judah, woe to you! Woe to you because you’ve plundered nations! Woe to you because you colonized other lands! Woe to you for building new towns on top of ones you had destroyed and murdered the inhabitants! Woe to people who get their neighbors drunk in order to date rape them! Woe to those who worship idols, especially when those idols are money!

Nahum 2: The destruction of Nineveh

Beware, Assyrians! The enemy is coming. Man the ramparts! Not that it will do you any good because God has decided upon your destruction. An army in red uniforms will besiege and overwhelm Nineveh. Their chariots will tear through the streets! Neighborhoods will burn! The King’s wives and mistresses will be raped and sold into slavery! The city will be plundered. Desolation! Desolation! All will be lost.

Ezekiel 23: More misogyny

God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”

Ezekiel 22: The reasons why

God told me to judge Jerusalem and to list all the reasons why It was angry and had decided to destroy the city. So I announced to everyone, Jerusalem has been condemned to doom and destruction for these reasons:

  1. The people worship idols, practice polytheism, and all around cheat on God.
  2. The rules are violent and corrupt and the religious leaders find excuses for all of their misdeeds.
  3. Many people openly despise their parents.
  4. People generally treat foreigners badly and they don’t take care of poor women and children and other needy people.
  5. They break the Sabbath and bastardize the rituals God prefers.
  6. People lie and slander in order to incite violence.
  7. Did I mention they cheat on God? It especially dislikes the fertility rituals people commonly perform.
  8. Sons sleep with their fathers’ wives and girlfriends.
  9. Men sleep with women on their periods and that really grosses God out.
  10. Men also sleep with their friends’ wives–some even rape their daughters-in-laws and sisters.
  11. There are hitmen and goons who commit violence for money.
  12. People there loan money at interest and generally make profits from their neighbors’ work.

For these reasons God has decided to destroy Jerusalem and kill or scatter its people.

Ezekiel 18: Another dumb proverb

God said, I heard another one of you humans’ stupid proverbs the other day: “Parents eat sour grapes, and their children grimace.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? The children pay for their parents’ stupidity? Where did you guys get that dumb idea? That’s just stupid. Everybody is held accountable for their own actions. If a man is good and follows my laws–if he loves only me,  pays his debts, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t sleep with his friends wives, doesn’t sleep with his own when she’s on her period (ew!)–then he’s gravy! It doesn’t matter if his son is a total shithead who steals, cheats, lies, murders, rapes, or even has period sex! The son pays for his sin, the father is rewarded. And say the son has a son, and that guy is like, I don’t want to be like my father and instead acts like his grandpa, then he’s good too! It doesn’t matter that I punished his father for being sinful! Am I a monster? God asked, spreading Its mighty chrome arms.

I ventured to ask about if people sin some and do good some, but God interrupted: What?! What do you mean that most humans aren’t all bad or all good? Look, I’ll forgive a human who does sin and then asks for forgiveness, but only if he stops sinning. If a human does a lot of good and then sins, none of that good matters. Only the last thing he did counts. I don’t care if humans think that’s fair or not.

Jeremiah 13: Underwear

One day, God told Jeremiah to go buy some new underwear–nice ones, like Calvin Klein or Bon Bons. A couple days later, as Jeremiah was enjoying the slide of his silky drawers, God was all, Now I want you to go down to the Euphrates and bury your underwear in the river bank. Jeremiah was all, Um….Ok….Then a few days after that, God was like, Hey Jeremiah, go dig up those underwear. So Jeremiah went and retrieved his now muddy, torn, ruined panties. God was all, I’m going to ruin Judah like you did those underwear!

Another time, God told Jeremiah to go tell people that God would turn them all into alcoholics, from the king to the beggar, and not happy drunks, either, but surly drunks, who would destroy each other with fighting.

That they would all go into exile and have pain worse than childbirth. He told them, God says, Can the leopard change its spots? No? That’s while I will scatter you! I will see you punished! I will hold your skirts over your heads–hold you down–while you are raped and murdered!

Isaiah 13: Prophecy against Babylon

Isaiah prophesied that one day Babylon would burn and everyone inside would writhe in terror, like a woman in labor before anesthetic was invented. On that day, the sun will darken! The moon will disappear! People will scatter and be hunted down like rats! Rats! Invaders will loot houses! Implacable, they will rape the Babylonian women and smash Babylonian babies’ heads in! Babylon will be razed like Sodom and Gomorrah. It will never be inhabited again!

Psalm 51: David’s lament after he got chastised for forcing Bathsheba to have sex with him and then had her husband killed to cover it up.

God don’t call anymore.

It’s so different from the way it was before.

Everyday I listen for Its voice.

I have no choice, but to be all alone without God.

There’s so many mistakes we make as king.

But I think this is something worth fixing.

I take all the blame for fucking that girl

God, I could still be your shiny pearl.

She didn’t mean anything to me. (nothing)

She wasn’t the one I see in my dreams. (oh no)

God, you know it ain’t true.

Please accept my apology.

Please accept my apology.

I didn’t mean to hurt you, God.

 

Esther 7: The trap is sprung

After enjoying this second repast, the king again asked his wife what it was she desired. Esther was all, If I have please my lord then grant me merely this–my life and the life of my people!

The king was all, Wha?!?!

Esther continued, If we had merely been sold into slavery, then I would have held my tongue, but we have been condemned to utter annihilation!

Ahasuerus was all, What on earth are you talking about, Esther? Who has done this?

Esther pointed at Haman, Him! This wicked Haman!  Continue reading “Esther 7: The trap is sprung”