God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”
God told me to judge Jerusalem and to list all the reasons why It was angry and had decided to destroy the city. So I announced to everyone, Jerusalem has been condemned to doom and destruction for these reasons:
- The people worship idols, practice polytheism, and all around cheat on God.
- The rules are violent and corrupt and the religious leaders find excuses for all of their misdeeds.
- Many people openly despise their parents.
- People generally treat foreigners badly and they don’t take care of poor women and children and other needy people.
- They break the Sabbath and bastardize the rituals God prefers.
- People lie and slander in order to incite violence.
- Did I mention they cheat on God? It especially dislikes the fertility rituals people commonly perform.
- Sons sleep with their fathers’ wives and girlfriends.
- Men sleep with women on their periods and that really grosses God out.
- Men also sleep with their friends’ wives–some even rape their daughters-in-laws and sisters.
- There are hitmen and goons who commit violence for money.
- People there loan money at interest and generally make profits from their neighbors’ work.
For these reasons God has decided to destroy Jerusalem and kill or scatter its people.
God said, I heard another one of you humans’ stupid proverbs the other day: “Parents eat sour grapes, and their children grimace.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? The children pay for their parents’ stupidity? Where did you guys get that dumb idea? That’s just stupid. Everybody is held accountable for their own actions. If a man is good and follows my laws–if he loves only me, pays his debts, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t sleep with his friends wives, doesn’t sleep with his own when she’s on her period (ew!)–then he’s gravy! It doesn’t matter if his son is a total shithead who steals, cheats, lies, murders, rapes, or even has period sex! The son pays for his sin, the father is rewarded. And say the son has a son, and that guy is like, I don’t want to be like my father and instead acts like his grandpa, then he’s good too! It doesn’t matter that I punished his father for being sinful! Am I a monster? God asked, spreading Its mighty chrome arms.
I ventured to ask about if people sin some and do good some, but God interrupted: What?! What do you mean that most humans aren’t all bad or all good? Look, I’ll forgive a human who does sin and then asks for forgiveness, but only if he stops sinning. If a human does a lot of good and then sins, none of that good matters. Only the last thing he did counts. I don’t care if humans think that’s fair or not.
One day, God told Jeremiah to go buy some new underwear–nice ones, like Calvin Klein or Bon Bons. A couple days later, as Jeremiah was enjoying the slide of his silky drawers, God was all, Now I want you to go down to the Euphrates and bury your underwear in the river bank. Jeremiah was all, Um….Ok….Then a few days after that, God was like, Hey Jeremiah, go dig up those underwear. So Jeremiah went and retrieved his now muddy, torn, ruined panties. God was all, I’m going to ruin Judah like you did those underwear!
Another time, God told Jeremiah to go tell people that God would turn them all into alcoholics, from the king to the beggar, and not happy drunks, either, but surly drunks, who would destroy each other with fighting.
That they would all go into exile and have pain worse than childbirth. He told them, God says, Can the leopard change its spots? No? That’s while I will scatter you! I will see you punished! I will hold your skirts over your heads–hold you down–while you are raped and murdered!
Isaiah prophesied that one day Babylon would burn and everyone inside would writhe in terror, like a woman in labor before anesthetic was invented. On that day, the sun will darken! The moon will disappear! People will scatter and be hunted down like rats! Rats! Invaders will loot houses! Implacable, they will rape the Babylonian women and smash Babylonian babies’ heads in! Babylon will be razed like Sodom and Gomorrah. It will never be inhabited again!
God don’t call anymore.
It’s so different from the way it was before.
Everyday I listen for Its voice.
I have no choice, but to be all alone without God.
There’s so many mistakes we make as king.
But I think this is something worth fixing.
I take all the blame for fucking that girl
God, I could still be your shiny pearl.
She didn’t mean anything to me. (nothing)
She wasn’t the one I see in my dreams. (oh no)
God, you know it ain’t true.
Please accept my apology.
Please accept my apology.
I didn’t mean to hurt you, God.
After enjoying this second repast, the king again asked his wife what it was she desired. Esther was all, If I have please my lord then grant me merely this–my life and the life of my people!
The king was all, Wha?!?!
Esther continued, If we had merely been sold into slavery, then I would have held my tongue, but we have been condemned to utter annihilation!
Ahasuerus was all, What on earth are you talking about, Esther? Who has done this?
Esther pointed at Haman, Him! This wicked Haman! Continue reading “Esther 7: The trap is sprung”
On David’s decent of the Mount of Olives, he was met by Ziba, Mephibosheth’s servant, who had a bunch of food and some donkeys for David. David was all, Thanks! Is this from Mesphisbosheth? Where’s he at? Ziba was all, Um, actually this is from me. Mephibosheth is back in Jerusalem, waiting for the people to return the throne to him. David was all, What? After all I’ve done for him? Well, fuck him. All his property is now yours.
Later, as David approached the town of Bahurim where he planned on camping, a dude named Shimei, who was from Saul’s clan, began trailing the the troop from a nearby hill. He started throwing rocks at David and calling him a worthless whoreson murderer and other obscenities. Abishai was all, Sire, you want that I should go cut off that loser’s head? But David was all, What’s with you bloodthirsty brothers? No! If he curses me, God wills it. I mean, my own son is trying to kill me. Let him curse. Maybe God will turn his curses to blessings. Continue reading “II Samuel 16: Family Strife Continues”
David’s harem produced many children. One of this sons, Amnon developed a massive crush on his half-sister Tamar, Absalom’s whole sister. One day, while Amnon was going on and on about how hot she was a how bad her to their first-cousin Jonadab, when Jonadab was all, Dude, stop moaning about her! I bet if you play sick and tell the king that the only thing that will make you feel better is to have Tamar nurse you, David will totally order her to do it. Then you’ll have your sister at your house, alone, and totally at your mercy.
So Amnon played sick and asked for his sister. Tamar came and started cooking him lunch. While she was busy, he sent all his servants away. When she brought him the food, he grabbed her wrist and was all, Why don’t you crawl in bed with me? She started trying to pull her wrist away, begging, Brother no! Let me go! Please don’t rape me! But Amnon dragged her into bed. She continued to struggle and was all, Please! Not like this! I’m sure that if you asked our father for me, he would give me to you. Then at least it would be honorable! But Amnon ignored her pleas and raped her. Continue reading “II Samuel 13: Iron Age Family Drama”
While Joab was out fighting the Ammonites, David was dawdling around back in Jerusalem. One day he looked out his window and, on the roof next door, he saw a beautiful naked woman who happened to be bathing to clean herself after her period. David watched her bathe with lust in his heart.
Later, he made some inquiries and learned she must have been Bathsheba, wife of Uriah the Hittite, one of his loyal soldiers. But David was not used to having his desires unfulfilled, so he ordered Bathsheba brought to him and raped her (as she had no ability to consent) then sent her back home.
A few weeks later, Bathsheba sent word to David that she was pregnant. David did not survive survive all those years as an outlaw for nothing–he immediately sent to the front to have Uriah sent back to Jerusalem to report on the state of the war. Continue reading “II Samuel 11: David and Bathsheba”