Matthew 21: Jesus gets hangry

When they got to the Jerusalem suburbs, Jesus halted the throng and was all, Look, the prophets said I would ride into town in style. So go take that donkey and her colt a few blocks away and if anyone asks, say “God needs it.” The groupies stole the donkey for Jesus. He mounted and then his followers began throwing branches and jackets down for him to ride on in some sort of ghetto-fabulous royal procession. People came out of their houses to stare at this strange parade, and when they could make themselves heard over the chanting groupies, they were all, What the fuck is this? And the groupies were all, It’s Jesus the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee!

Jesus rode up to the Temple and hulked out. With a roar, he started throwing tables and chairs around, beating up anyone who sold anything–even the sacrificial pigeon seller. People fled. Then the groupies filed in, chanting, Me-ssi-ah! Me-ssi-ah!  and Jesus healed some people. The priests were like, Whoa, guy! What’s all this then?! Jesus smirked and was all, Out of the mouths of babes, as the saying goes. Continue reading “Matthew 21: Jesus gets hangry”

Matthew 20: Wine and death

Jesus continued, Look, heaven is like…well, say God is the owner of a vineyard, and at harvest time, It goes out and hires some dudes to pick the grapes for like $100. Then at ten, It goes to the Home Depot and hires some more guys. Then at noon, It goes to the Menards and hires some more guys, then at three, It goes to the Lowes and hires some more guys, and then at like 5, It goes to the homeless shelter and hires all those guys too. then at 7, all the guys come to get paid, and God-the-vineyard-owner gives each one $100. Now the guys who had been there all day are pissed because they had worked so much longer than everyone else. But God-the-vineyard-owner is all, You agreed to $100! Why you mad? You mad that I got all the money? Or are you mad that I’m generous and charitable?

The groupies just looked around blankly, so said, From here, we’re going to go back to Jerusalem, and there I will be arrested, tortured, and executed. This did not help conversation. Continue reading “Matthew 20: Wine and death”