Isaiah 27: Promises

One day, Isaiah promised, when everyone’s sins had been burned away and atoned for, God would redeem Israel and restore Its people to power. One day! One day, long after all the human vanities–the temples and towers, Asherim and altars–will have crumbled to dust and the wilderness will have reclaimed the land. Then God would restore Israel! In that time, God will recall the Jewish diaspora to the Promised Land!

Isaiah 26: We built this city

Isaiah told everyone that in the day that God restored the Jews to power, after their long punishment, then everyone should sing this song:

We built this city,  built this city on faith in God.

We built this city, built this city on faith in God.

Let the righteous still worship the Lord’s face.

Trample the sinners, drive them from this place,

Knee deep in iniquity, sinking in the fight.

We got faith they will crumble before God’s might.

Sinners tremble in fear. Listen to the prophets, oh.

We built this city, built this city, on faith in God.

Isaiah 24: The whole world is doomed

Sometimes Isaiah preached doom for everyone. He’d say, God’s going to destroy the world! Everyone will suffer and die! Priest and atheist, business owner and worker, trophy wife and whore, banker and bankrupt–all will die! Humans will defile the earth and make it uninhabitable! The earth will wither and die! People will burn! And there will be earthquakes that topple buildings. The few humans who survive will huddle together in fear!¬†There will be no merrymaking. All the wine will be drunk and no grapes will grow! All the beer will be skunky or will be so bitter with hops that no one can drink it! The cities will be wastelands. No one will ever invite guests over, even just for dinner !

Isaiah 23: Don’t forget about Tyre

Isaiah assured everyone that God had not forgotten about Tyre, and that that city would come in for God’s wrath too. It would also be destroyed by Assyria. And lo, its mighty merchant fleet would sink to the bottom of the sea! All countries would suffer without the Tyrian fleet to carry their goods! The city will be desolate for 70 years! But like the whore she is, Tyre will again prosper, selling her goods and her wares!

Isaiah 22: Stuff about Jerusalem

One of Isaiah’s prophecies about Jerusalem was that it would get besieged, and the people, instead of turning to God and praying for mercy, would just party all that much harder, because tomorrow they’d die, you know? And that would piss God off royally because It wanted them to weep and wail and shit.

And Isaiah also foretold that God thought the palace administrator Shebna really sucked and would see to it that he got replaced with this dude named Eliakim, and that the position would then become hereditary because of the awesome job Eliakim would do.

Isaiah 19: Egypt’s fate

Isaiah prophesied, Egypt will erupt into civil war! From the rubble, a mighty dictator will rise up and quell the land. But drought will cause famine. The economy will be in shambles! The leaders will make stupid decisions that will further destroy the country! The the Egyptians will lose heart and become cowardly, so when Judah attacks, it will terrify them! Judah will colonize five Egyptian cities and there will Hebrew be spoken and God be worshiped. From these strongholds, all Egypt will be converted to the Hebrew God! In that glorious time, the economy will recover and there will be a prosperous trade triangle between Assyria, Egypt and Judah! Everyone will be happy!