Ruth 2: Ruth Meets Boaz

When the harvest came, Ruth went out to glean behind the reapers who belonged to the clan that Elimelech came from. One day, while she was hard at work, Boaz, a rich cousin of Elimelech, stopped by his fields to check on his reapers’ work. He noticed Ruth out there gleaning away, and asked his workers who she was. They told her that she was Naomi’s daughter-in-law from Moab, and that she had been out there at first light and had barely taken any breaks. Boaz was all, interesting. Let her glean as much as she wants and make sure no one hurts her.

Then Boaz walked up to Ruth and told her that from then on, she should only glean his fields and that she should go out with and stay near his female servants so that no one would sexually assault her. He also assured her that he commanded his own male servants not to lay a finger on her. Also, he said, feel free to drink the water that I provide for my servants.  Continue reading “Ruth 2: Ruth Meets Boaz”

Ruth 1: Meet Ruth and Naomi

During the time of the Judges, a man from Bethlehem in Judah named Elimelech and his wife Naomi went to Moab to live. They had two sons, Mahlon and Chilion, and both took Moabite wives, Orpah and Ruth. Elimelech died, but was shortly followed in death by his sons. This left a household of childless widows–which was not exactly a desirable position back in the Iron Age in Mesopotamia. Continue reading “Ruth 1: Meet Ruth and Naomi”

Judges 21: Wives for Benjamin

After the war was over, the Hebrew leaders got together to discuss what to do about Benjamin. It wouldn’t do to let one of the twelve tribes die out. Twelve was a magic number and created by God. But there were only like a couple thousand men of Benjamin left and pretty much no marriageable women. To make it worse, all the tribal leaders that met at Mizpah had vowed never to give their daughters in marriage to Benjamin. And it wouldn’t do to have them marry foreign women from any of the other regional ethnic groups. Continue reading “Judges 21: Wives for Benjamin”

Judges 20: The Hebrew Civil War

Then all the tribes, except Benjamin, which was having its own colloquy  sent out delegates to Mizpah to hear the story first hand and decide what to do. Such a breach of the rules of hospitality could not stand. God once destroyed two cities for such things. If they let it slide, God might get mad and go on a smiting spree.

So the tribes decided to draft 10% of their fighting men to go punish Gibeah. They sent messages to all the clans of Benjamin declaring that punishment must come forthwith, urging Benjamin to hand over such malefactors to the justice of the Lord.  Continue reading “Judges 20: The Hebrew Civil War”

Judges 19: A Most Vicious Gang Rape

On another occasion a Levite, who lived in Ephraim, had a major falling out with his concubine. In a huff, she decided to return to her father’s house in Bethlehem, which was in Judah. After about four months, the Levite decided it was time to make up with her, so he traveled to Bethlehem to fetch her.

When he got there, her father was delighted to see him, and kept feasting him, and urging him to stay another night. After about a week, however, the Levite grew tired and insisted it was time for them to be returning to Ephraim. Continue reading “Judges 19: A Most Vicious Gang Rape”

Judges 18: The Danites Steal Micah’s Idol

This was around the time that the tribe of Dan lost its lands to the Sidonians and were out looking for a new area to conquer. Dan had sent out five men to spy out a new home. They stopped by Micah’s house for refreshments, and some of them knew Jonathan the Levite. They asked him how he came to tarry there, so he told them the story and showed them the sweet idol he was in charge of. Before they left, they asked him to bless their journey. Continue reading “Judges 18: The Danites Steal Micah’s Idol”

Judges 17

So some guy named Micah, who lived in the Ephraim hill country, went to his mother and was all, look Ma, that twenty-seven odd pounds of silver you found missing yesterday? You know, that you cursed the thieving bastard what took it to untold tortures? Well, see, Ma, I took it. I’m sorry. Could you please take back the curse?

After Micah gave back the silver, his mother forgave him. She took five pounds of the silver and made an idol and gave it to her son. He was so pleased with it, that he decided it should be the household god from then on. He set up a shrine and made an ephod and put his son in charge of tending it. Continue reading “Judges 17”

Judges 16: Samson and Delilah

Samson never seemed to marry again, but he always had a thing for Philistine chicks. Like this one time, when he went down to Gaza to visit a prostitute he had thing for, the townspeople set up an ambush, but instead of catching Samson when he left late that night, he just tore down the gates and carried them off while the town guard stood there agape.

But the girl that was Samson’s downfall was Delilah. She was this Philistine girl that Samson just had to have. But she wasn’t just a common hooker to be won easy. In fact, she couldn’t stand Samson. But the town leaders came to her and were all, Delilah, if you seduce him and find out what will make him weak, we’ll make you a rich woman. Suffer through his weird dick until you find out the secret! You won’t regret it. Continue reading “Judges 16: Samson and Delilah”

Judges 15: Samson and the Jawbone

A few days later, after Samson cooled down, he picked out a fat young goat and carried it down to Timnah as a peace offering for his wife. But when he got there, her father was all, Oh. Well. Um. Well. You see…. Well. I thought you had abandoned her and I didn’t know what to do with her, you having deflowered her and all, so um, well, I sort of gave her to your best friend? Cuz he said he was used to Samson’s sloppy seconds and didn’t really mind?

Samson was all, fuck you and your whole race! When I make you pay, remember, you have no one to blame but yourself. Continue reading “Judges 15: Samson and the Jawbone”

Judges 14: Samson’s Wedding

One day while Samson was hanging out in Timnah, he fell in love with this Philistine girl. So he went home and asked his parents to arrange the marriage. His parents were all, what? A Philistine girl! Why can’t you find a nice Danite girl to marry? Or any Hebrew girl. You can’t marry one of those heathen Philistines! But Samson insisted, so finally  his parents caved and his dad arranged the match.

Some time later, he was heading down to Timnah to see his girl, when a lion sprung at him, but Samson just grabbed it and tore it apart with his bare hands, and then meandered on his way. He was so casual about it all that he didn’t even mention the lion attack to his girlfriend or her family. On his way home a few days later, he passed by the carcass of the lion. Bees had made a hive inside it, and Samson scooped out a bunch of the honey as a snack to fortify him on his long journey. When he got home, he gave the remaining honey to his parents, but he didn’t tell them where it came from or any part of his adventure.  Continue reading “Judges 14: Samson’s Wedding”