Numbers 21

So then the Hebrews headed toward the Negeb, and the Canaanite king Arad attacked them. Arad won the first battle and took some Hebrews captive, but during the second foray, the Hebrews kicked Arad’s ass. They called the place Hormah.

Then the Hebrews kept traveling around Edom and toward the Red Sea. They kept grumbling about running out of food and water and generally having a shitty time. So God sent fiery serpents among them, which killed anyone that got bit. Of course the people repented again, so God told Moses to make a bronze serpent that would cure anyone who looked at it. Continue reading “Numbers 21”

Numbers 20: Miriam and Aaron Die

Miriam died while the Hebrews were camped at Kadesh in Zin.

While the Hebrews were wandering around the desert, they ran out of water. They began complaining to Moses and Aaron about this horrible trip on which they would all most likely die. So God told Moses to wave the magic staff over a rock and ask it for water. Instead, Moses hit the rock with the staff and demanded water. Water came out, but God was pissed that Moses disobeyed It. It told Moses and Aaron that because they disobeyed, neither would live to see the promised land.

After Kadesh, Moses sent a message to the king of Edom asking for permission to pass through his lands. But Edom was all, hell no! and sent this message by army. So the Hebrews went another way, toward Mount Hor. There, God told Moses to take Aaron and his son Eleazar up the mountain, strip Aaron of his vestments, and put then on Aaron. Then Aaron died.

Numbers 19

At some point God made a law that the Hebrews were supposed to slaughter and burn a red heifer in an elaborate ritual to get ashes for the bitter water.

God’s rule about touching dead people is that whoever touches one is unclean for seven days and must ritually clean on the third and seventh days. If they don’t, they should be banished.

The tent that the person died in and everything in it is also unclean for seven days. To cleanse it, a clean person needs to dip hyssop in bitter water and sprinkle it on everything on the third and seventh days.

Numbers 17

God was all, I’m really sick of this constant mutiny. Tell every tribe to have their chief’s name carved into a staff–Aaron’s should be on the Levites–and then bring all the staffs to the Tabernacle. The staff that blossoms is the rightful supreme leader of the Hebrews.

So everyone did and, behold, Aaron’s staff bloomed. Then his staff was put in the Tabernacle as a reminder to everyone that God chose him to the be supreme leader.

No one was really happy, but they were all, what the fuck are we supposed to do? God keeps killing people! Man, I’m afraid for my  life!

Numbers 16: Mutiny

At some point during the forty years of wandering,  a Levite named Korah and some Reubenites named Dathan, Abiram, and On rabble roused up a mob into mutiny against Moses. The mob surrounded Moses, rocks in hand, so Moses was all, hey guys, how’s it going? Oh, you got some rocks there? You wanna stone me again? Well, yeah, you could kill me now, or maybe you should wait until we all consult with God and see what It says? We don’t want to make It angry, right? So hey, Korah, why don’t you and your followers perform a ceremony and offer incense to God in the morning, and if It is pleased, then you know, hey, you guys can stone me? How does that sound?

Korah was all, ok, sure, guys, that sounds good. But the Reubenites were all screw you Moses! You promised us a land of milk and honey and now we’re stuck out in this godforsaken desert for god knows how long? We were almost fucking there and now we’re marching back to the goddamn Red Sea? What the fuck! Who the hell do you think you are? Continue reading “Numbers 16: Mutiny”

Numbers 15

So one day while the Hebrews were out wandering around in the desert, some guy got caught gathering sticks on the Sabbath. The tattletales forced the man to go before Moses because they knew such activity was forbidden, but they didn’t know what they were supposed to do to malefactors. Moses was all, Come on guys, you should know this. We stone malefactors to death. Everyone was all, right on! and drug the man back outside of camp and threw rocks at him until he died.

After this, God called Moses to him and suggested that everyone should put tassels with blue cords on their clothes as little reminders about how important it was to always follow Its rules.

Numbers 14

Things got pretty tense around the camp. People were pissed. They were tired of camp rations, lets be honest, of fucking manna and stringy goat and sheep because they were in the FUCKING desert, Moses, how the fuck were they supposed to maintain ginormous herds of livestock; they couldn’t remember the last time anybody ate a piece of fruit, let alone some green vegetables, what I’d give for a salad, Morty; you know they had a pretty good life in Egypt until Aaron and that no-good half-Egyptian brother of his, Moses, started rabble rousing and causing trouble, THAT’s when things went bad; and you know what? fuck this fool’s errand; let’s just go back to Egypt? who wants to go? Who’ll be the leader to guide us back to Egypt and out of this fucking desert? Continue reading “Numbers 14”

Numbers 13: First Sight of the Promised Land

Sorry for the hiatus. Just reasons.
Editor's note: I really want to give them each an attribute and elaborate on this story, which lasts 
several chapters, but it's enough just trying to gloss the damn thing. If you think of attributes, like 
Shammauc the  Dastard or something, I'd love to hear them. They all have fathers listed too, but I 
left them out. 

Eventually the Hebrews made their way into Paran or thereabouts. Close enough to Canaan to start thinking about sending spies to scope things out. So every tribe but the Levites sent a spy (for a total of 12, since Joseph’s tribe is so awesome it gets to be two tribes), because really their all just frenemies at this point. The twelve spies were Shammauc of Reuben, Caleb of Judah, Shaphat of Simeon, Igal of Issachar, Hoshea (otherwise and elsewhere known as Joshua) of Ephraim, Palti of Benjamin, Gaddiel of Zebulun, Gaddi of Manesseh, Ammel of Dan, Sethur of Asher Nabi of Naphtali, and Geuel of Gad.

The spies explored the Promised Land, which was inhabited by the Aninan, Sheslai, Talnai, Anak and others all lived in Hebron and other places. They stole some fruit in the valley of Eshcol and brought it back to camp. Continue reading “Numbers 13: First Sight of the Promised Land”

Numbers 12: Sibling Rivalry

Around this time, Aaron and Miriam started badmouthing Moses and undermining his authority, but Moses didn’t know how to respond.

So God called all three to the Tabernacle, and was all, you two are assholes, and yeah I’ve sent you dreams and stuff, but I only talk to my bro Moses. Y’all need to step off. Then It cursed Miriam with leprosy.

Her brothers were all, oh shit! Please God, don’t curse our sister like that! She’ll be a derelict! God was all, bitch needs to learn a lesson. Cast her out with the other lepers for seven days.

After seven days, she was cured and allowed back in. Then the Hebrews broke camp and continued marching toward Paran.