I Samuel 19: Wherein Saul’s Children Save David

Saul grew so discontented and murderous that he began plotting and scheming against David in front of Jonathan and the servants.

But Jonathan and David had solemnly pinky swore before God to be BFFs and forever wasn’t over yet. So Jonathan warned David that his father was plotting to kill him. David was all, What? Huh? Why? You’re joking right? So Jonathan was all, Ok, fine, I’ll prove it. You know our special spot in the field,  by the cairn of stones? Hide over there tomorrow, and I’ll go walking with my father and get him to talk about you. You’ll hear it from his own mouth.

So David hid by the ezel, and Jonathan and Saul went walking. Of course Saul ranted the entire time about how much he hated David and wished he were dead. But Jonathan kept talking David up, reminding Saul about all the great things he had done for Saul, like killing Goliath and hundreds of other Philistines and playing the lyre and laughing at his jokes until Saul came around and promised not to have David killed. Later Jonathan got the two together for a beer and a hug and the family was happy together again, just like the old days.  Continue reading “I Samuel 19: Wherein Saul’s Children Save David”

I Samuel 18:David and Saul, Frenemies Forever

Saul arranged for David to become his full-time personal assistant. Over the years, Saul came to rely on David more and more and kept promoting him and putting him in charge of more things.

Because David was around all the time, he and Jonathan became the best of besties.

In fact, everyone loved David and thought he was awesomesauce. But then one day, when Saul and David and the army were returning from defeating the Philistines again, and the women came out to dance and sing their triumph, they unfortunately sang: Continue reading “I Samuel 18:David and Saul, Frenemies Forever”

I Samuel 17: David and Goliath

Since David was the youngest, and was only employed to play music when the king was in a black mood, he still spent a lot of time at home, and a lot of time running errands back and forth between his older brothers, who were soldiers, and their father.

On one trip to Bethlehem, Jesse sent David back with a bunch of grain and bread for his brothers and some cheeses for their commanders. When David got to camp, he heard that every day for the past forty days, this huge Philistine came out to challenge the Hebrews to send a man to face him in one-on-one combat. The Philistine claimed that if the Hebrew won, then all the Philistines would surrender, but if the giant won, then all the Hebrews would have to.  Continue reading “I Samuel 17: David and Goliath”

I Samuel 16: Samuel Anoints David

Samuel was really sad about Saul for a long time. Then one day God was all, Hey Samuel, why are you still moping over that Saul guy? He’s a loser. Fill up your anointing horn and go anoint my new favorite boy! He’s a son of Jesse of Bethlehem.

Samuel was all, How can I do that? If Saul hears I anointed someone else, he’ll surely have me and your new beloved killed! God was all, What do you take me for, an idiot? We’ll do it in secret and no one will know until later. Take a heifer and go to Bethlehem and just tell Jesse you want to sacrifice and feast with him. I’ll see to the rest. Continue reading “I Samuel 16: Samuel Anoints David”

I Samuel 15: Saul Blows his Second Chance

One day Samuel went to Saul and was all,  So hey, God’s going to give you a second chance. If you do what It says, exactly as It says, It will reinstate your lineage as hereditary kings of Israel. Here’s what it wants you to do. It wants you to punish Amalek for fighting the Hebrews when we invaded the Arabian peninsula hundreds of years ago. So go make war on the Amalekites and make sure to rain utter destruction upon them–kill every man, woman, child and domesticated mammal–all the donkey, sheep, camels, goats, whathaveyou. If you do this, God will forgive you and love you again.

So Saul first sent word to the Kenites to flee Amalek territories if they did not want to be slaughtered in the fray. Then he mustered an army 210,000 strong in Telain and marched on Amalek, defeating them from Havilah to Shur. Saul genocided all the Amalekites, except for their King Agag. However, he allowed his soldiers to sift through the animals, setting aside the fattest as booty.  Continue reading “I Samuel 15: Saul Blows his Second Chance”

I Samuel 14: Saul almost gets Jonathan killed

Saul’s wife was named Ahinoam and with her he had three sons, Jonathan, Ishivi, and Malchi-shua and two daughters, Merab and Michal. His head general was his first cousin, Abner.

In the conflict with the Philistines, Saul set up camp with his 600 men in the pomegranate cave near Gibeah. Jonathan convinced his armor bearer/boy Friday to go with him to sneak into the nearby Philistine garrison. They had to navigate through a deep ravine or canyon, and the names of the two exits to this canyon were Pozez and Senech. Before exiting, Jonathan turned to his Boy Friday and was all, let’s practice some cledonomancy–if the Philistines tell us to stop and come down to us, we know we’re screwed, but if they holler for us to come up to them, we’ll know it’s a sign from God that It has given them into our hands.  Continue reading “I Samuel 14: Saul almost gets Jonathan killed”

I Samuel 13: Saul Angers God

If you recall, Israel had been under Philistine domination for quite some time. The Philistines had declared that no Hebrew was to be allowed swords or any other weapons, and they had outlawed Hebrews from being blacksmiths to prevent any weapons from being made illegally. However, Saul was planning an insurrection, so he convinced all the Hebrews to carry their farming implements–plowshares, mattocks, axes, etc–to their local Philistine blacksmiths for sharpening. Saul, and his son Jonathan, had swords, however.

This is maybe 2-3 years after the anointing, maybe 12-13, since Saul, who appeared to be a young man at the anointing, now has a son old enough to fight in battle, so anyway, at some point in the future, near or far, it doesn’t matter, because this is the time of the gods, Saul gathered up an army of 3000 Hebrews to fight the Philistines. He had charge of 2000 in Michmash while his son Jonathan had charge of the other 1000 in Gibeah.  Continue reading “I Samuel 13: Saul Angers God”

I Samuel 12: Samuel’s Speech

This is titled “Samuel’s Farewell Speech” in the bible, but Samuel keeps appearing in later chapters, so maybe it was what he said before he went on vacation? 

At some point, Samuel gave a speech to a crowd gathered to hear him. This is how it went:

Look guys, I am old, and I’ve served you well. I’ve even made my sons priests to minister to you. I’ve anointed and crowned a king for you, even when I thought it was a bad idea. And I’ve never asked for anything in return or taken more than my fair share. Who can say I have cheated him? Defrauded him? Oppressed him? Been bribed by? Whoever feels wronged by me, swear your grievance now, and I will make restitution.

But everyone was all, You’re a good man, Samuel! You’ve never wronged a soul!  Continue reading “I Samuel 12: Samuel’s Speech”

I Samuel 11

At some point in the near future–it’s hard to say exactly when, because in the time of the gods, history flowed differently. This seems to take place before Saul really consolidated his power, but the Hebrews also seem to have swords, which they apparently lack a couple chapters on–at some point, an Ammonite named Nahash decided to besiege Jabesh-gilead.

The people of that town didn’t want war, so they offered to surrender and be enslaved. But Nahash was all, I’m going to win anyway, so here’s what. I’ll accept your surrender if you let my men gouge out every person’s right eye to show what cowards Hebrews are.  The elders conferred and were all, well give us a week to see if any of our countrymen will come help us, and if after a week no one does, we’ll let you gouge our right eyes out.  Continue reading “I Samuel 11”

I Samuel 10: Samuel Anoints Saul

When the servant was out of sight, Samuel told Saul to rest a moment so they could chat. Then Samuel took out a flask of holy oil and poured it over Saul’s head and kissed him and told him that God had appointed him to be King of Israel and the savior of the Hebrews. Saul must have looked skeptical, because Samuel told him that if the following things occurred, Saul should take them as signs that Samuel was telling the truth. Samuel was all, this is what will happen after you part from me. Later today you will meet two men at Rachel’s tomb in Zelzah, and they will tell you to hurry home because your father is worried. Next you will meet three men traveling to Bethel near the the Oak of Tabor. One will be carrying three kids, the other a sack of bread and the third a skin of wine. They will greet you and give you two loaves of bread. Then, when you get to Gibeath-elohim where the Philistines are garrisoned, you will meet a bunch of people playing music and prophesying, and you will be inspired to join them. If these things happen, you will know that I am telling the truth and that God has chosen you to be king. When you go to Gilgal, wait seven days for me and I will join you.  Continue reading “I Samuel 10: Samuel Anoints Saul”