Ezekiel 29

In the tenth year of exile, after Egypt betrayed Judah, God declared that Egypt would be destroyed and the Egyptians sent into exile. Then in the twenty-seventh year of exile, God finally sent Nebuchadnezzar to plunder the land of Pharaohs.

Ezekiel 28: Tyre and Sidon

God was really taken with the destruction of Tyre for some reason. It told me to sing to the king of Tyre:

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

Don’t you? Don’t you?

God also said that It was going to send a plague to destroy Sidon because It decided that It’d just make a clean sweep of it and completely clear everyone out of the Promised Land before It let the Jews return.

Ezekiel 27: Tyrian trade

God was particular about me laying out all the wonderful trade Tyre stood to lose when it was destroyed.  Tyre had a magnificent merchant fleet, made of Senirese juniper, Lebanese cedar, Bashanian oak, Cyprian cypress and Egyptian cotton, that traded all over the Mediterranean. It traded silver, iron, and lead from Tarshish; slaves and bronze from Greece, Tubal, and Meshek; horses and mules from Beth Togarnah; ivory and ebony from Rhodes; tortoise, coral, rubies, and textiles from Aram; wheat, olive oil, honey, and balm from Judah and Israel; wine and wool from Damascus; saddle blankets from Dedan; sheep and goats from Arabia and Kedar; spices, golds, and gems from Sheba and Raamah; and textiles from Harran, Kannah, Ashur, and Kilmad.

But all this wonderful trade will come to an end when God has Babylon destroy Tyre.

Ezekiel 24: No meat or mourning

Toward the end of the  ninth year of exile, God told me to write down that day’s date and show everyone because it was the date that the siege of Jerusalem started. And while I announced this I was sing them a song about how Jerusalem was a cooking pot full of good meat, left on the fire so long that even the pot would burn.

Shortly thereafter, my wife died. But God commanded me not to go into mourning. I wasn’t even allowed to cry. It said, “When people ask you why you aren’t mourning, tell them that you are a sign for how they should act when they hear that the Temple is destroyed. After this, you won’t be able to speak again  until a messenger comes with the news that Jerusalem has fallen.”

Ezekiel 23: More misogyny

God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”

Ezekiel 22: The reasons why

God told me to judge Jerusalem and to list all the reasons why It was angry and had decided to destroy the city. So I announced to everyone, Jerusalem has been condemned to doom and destruction for these reasons:

  1. The people worship idols, practice polytheism, and all around cheat on God.
  2. The rules are violent and corrupt and the religious leaders find excuses for all of their misdeeds.
  3. Many people openly despise their parents.
  4. People generally treat foreigners badly and they don’t take care of poor women and children and other needy people.
  5. They break the Sabbath and bastardize the rituals God prefers.
  6. People lie and slander in order to incite violence.
  7. Did I mention they cheat on God? It especially dislikes the fertility rituals people commonly perform.
  8. Sons sleep with their fathers’ wives and girlfriends.
  9. Men sleep with women on their periods and that really grosses God out.
  10. Men also sleep with their friends’ wives–some even rape their daughters-in-laws and sisters.
  11. There are hitmen and goons who commit violence for money.
  12. People there loan money at interest and generally make profits from their neighbors’ work.

For these reasons God has decided to destroy Jerusalem and kill or scatter its people.

Ezekiel 21: Clap and cut

Another time God told me to prophecy against Jerusalem, It said, Go about groaning and moaning loudly and when people ask you what’s wrong tell them that you’re completely horrified at Jerusalem’s fate. At my command, Babylon will destroy the city! Also, be sure to clap while you say all this. And then slash your leg with your sword three times, to represent the three times I have decided to send Babylon against Jerusalem! Yes, seriously! Then people will be so afraid of me they’ll piss themselves!

So did as God commanded, and lo, when I cut my leg, I was barely injured. Tis a miracle!

Ezekiel 20: Judging elders

Did I tell you about the time, in the seventh year of exile, that some elders came to consult with me, and God told me to judge them? God said, Human, judge these men and tell them they’re not worthy! Tell them of Israel’s sins!

So I said to them, I said, God says you are not worthy! You are idolaters like your ancestors! When God brought the Jews out of Egypt, It told us to stop worshiping idols and other Gods. But our ancestors did not! And God thought about smiting them then, but It didn’t because It thought that might look bad and hurt Its reputation. So It gave our ancestors laws and stuff, thinking that might help them worship It right. But not our ancestors! They continued worshiping idols on the side. And God again thought about smiting them, but decided that doing so would probably, definitely hurt Its reputation. So instead It gave us a bunch of bad laws that would make our lives worse. Centuries have passed, and the Jews still worship other gods and idols on the side, and God has had enough! It is breaking up with us and leaving us to our idols! It’s finally going to smite us, reputation be damned!

Oh, and another time, I told everyone that a forest fire would ravage the Negev, and then when word came that it had, everybody was really amazed.