Amos 4: We’re being punished

So listen up you lazy cows who sit around demanding your slaves wait on you! God’s pissed. And It plans on casting you out, so you had better repent and offer some scacrifices.

It’s amazing that you guys haven’t figured it out yet. I mean, half of you are starving to death and still haven’t repented. This drought? It’s a punishment from God. The blights that have destroyed several harvests over the past several years? Punishments from God. And the all the wars and the defeats we’ve suffered? Punishments from God! But nothing’s worked and still you sin on, so now God, the creator of the world, is going to take you out of it!

Amos 3: Disasters come from God

Look people, continued Amos, God’s anger is self-evident. Two people have to agree to walk together, right? Lions only roar when there’s something to roar at, right? Birds only fly into traps with bait, right? Alarms only go off when there’s emergencies, right? Well, when there’s a disaster, then you know God caused it. And if God caused a disaster, you can be sure It has told Its prophets, like  me, all about it. And I’m telling you that all the bad things that happen are because God’s mad at you for sinning. And It’s about to bring down the house.

Amos 2: The rest of the shit list

Moab will burn for crushing Edom.

Judah will burn for cheating on God.

Israel will burn because they sell off God’s dishes, get drunk on the sacrificial wine, treat poor people like shit, and turn a blind eye when fathers and sons both have sex with the same girl.

God will destroy all these nations like It did the Amorites. God brought you out of slavery and Egypt and rose you up high and It will cast you down!

Amos 1: I bet you can guess

During the reign Azariah in Judah and Jeroboam in Israel  , two years before the great earthquake, this shepherd named Amos started prophesying:

God is angry! Its voice withers the pastures on Mount Carmel! God says It’s going to burn Damascus and its royal line. The Syrians will go into exile in Kir. Gaza, too, is marked for destruction. Tyre will burn. Edom will burn. The Ammonites will be burned and sent into exile because they killed pregnant women in Gilead.

Joel 3: A final word

Then Joel was all, this is God’s message. It says, I love Judah! It will have a glorious future of wealth and prosperity!

But Egypt, Edom, and Israel will be screwed. Israel sold its kids into prostitution to get drunk. I will serve it in turn!

And what’s up with you, Tyre, Sidon, and Philistia? You still mad about the genocide I ordered centuries ago? You think that just because I’m mad at Israel, you can sell it out? You’re still on my shit list, yo.


And so ends Joel. Up next, more prophets foretelling the destruction of Israel and/or Judah. 

Joel 2: Disaster averted

Joel was all, Seriously guys, the invaders are a black cloud because they’ve burned everything in their wake. When they get here, they’ll burn our little slice of paradise too. So we better pray and beg God, like It wants.

The elders listened to Joel and gathered everyone and they sacrificed and prayed and repented.

So God was appeased and promised to end the drought and make the harvest good and that the invading army would be defeated and turn tail back to the north.

Joel 1: Another prophet

At some point, before both kingdoms fell, this dude named Joel ben Pethuel had a few messages from God to give to the elders:

Be said, alcoholics, because the wine has run out! The foreign invaders are like locusts. Locusts eat everything! They’re like a lioness with way too many teeth.  Everyone needs to cry like women! You better beg God and tell it you’re sorry. Between the invading army and the drought, we’re all fucked!

Hosea 13: Ingrates

They worship calf statues in Israel! They practice human sacrifice! And after all I’ve done for them too! I mean, I freed them from slavery, and fed them as the wandered around the desert for 40 years after I cursed them for worshiping a calf statue the first time. And then I helped them conquer the Promised Land, but did they commit total genocide like I asked them to? And now, a new calf statue to pray to!

But they’ll be sorry. I’ll make them pay. I’ll rip them up like a lion on a gazelle. *They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to pieces, pregnant women ripped open!


*This is word for word from Hosea 13:16