Jeremiah 18: The potter’s wheel

Another time, God told Jeremiah to go down to the pottery shop to watch the potter work. So Jeremiah watched the potter working his wheel, but the pot collapsed. So the potter reworked the clay and made a new pot. Then God was all, I am the potter and you humans and your petty nations are the pot! I make you and I can break you! Go tell people, I’m going to break them. They will ignore you of course, but tell them anyway and tell them that’s why I’m going to turn Judah into a hellscape.

So Jeremiah did as he was bid. Everybody was pretty sick of listening to him, so when he would start talking, they would yell, Shut up, asshole! And then do their best to ignore him.

This upset Jeremiah, so he prayed, Everybody’s so mean to me! I think they want to kill me! Please, God, punish them for me! Let their children starve and let them be murdered and their wives widowed!

Jeremiah 17

God continued, Look, Judah is super sinful. Everywhere I look there are Asherim or temples to Baal or who even knows. All this cheating has made me so wrathful your puny little human mind can’t even fathom it.

Jeremiah then prayed, Why have you cursed me with your prophecies, God? People hate me for telling them your messages! Please punish those who persecute me!

God answered, Ok, ok, Jeremiah. I get it. Now, I want you to go down to the People’s Gate in Jerusalem and remind everyone you see about the whole keeping the Sabbath holy commandment and remind them that they’re not supposed to do any work or really even leave their houses. Tell them that if they start keeping the Sabbath, I’ll forgive everything. But–if they don’t…..well, you know.

Jeremiah 16: Don’t get married

One day God told Jeremiah, Look, Jeremiah, I know your mom’s been asking when you’re going to bring home your first wife and give her some grandkids because the neighbors keep asking why a man your age is still single because it’s weird and it’s high time you were settled down and all, but I don’t want you to get married. Or have any kids. They’d just die horrible deaths, so there’s no point in it. Also–and I know everyone’s going to judge you for this too–I don’t want you to go to any funerals or wakes or engage in any mourning rituals. When people ask you why you’re so weird, just tell them it’s because I’ve condemned Judah to pestilence and war. If they ask why, tell them it’s because they’ve cheated on me, and their fathers cheated on me, and their fathers’ fathers cheated on me, and so on…..However….to give them hope, tell them that one day, one future blessed day, after their descendants have learned their lessons, I’ll restore Israel to my favor and the Promised Land.

Jeremiah 15: Pestilence, famine, and war

God was all, Look, I don’t care if Samuel, or even Moses himself, stood before me and plead for mercy for Judah. I’d tell them to go suck an egg. I’m going to destroy Judah with pestilence, famine, and war.

Jeremiah lamented, Woe is me! I wish I had never been born! Everybody hates me! They curse me and abuse me! When I tell them your message, they’ll probably try to kill me!

God was all, What are you whining about now? Who cares if those jerks hate you? I don’t and that’s what matters. I’ll make sure they don’t kill you.

Jeremiah 14: Drought

This other time, there was this bad drought that had everybody worried and thirsty and hungry. So Jeremiah called out to God, Hey, uh, so we’re all starving and stuff. It’s so bad that the herds of wild donkeys are dying all over the place, and the people, well, they’ve been repenting and praying and sacrificing. So….you think you cold relent and send some rain?

God was all, Don’t bother me. Their prayers mean nothing. I don’t care if they all die.

Then Jeremiah was all, Uh…..if I go back and tell them that, they’ll probably kill me. They don’t like me anyway and there’s all these other prophets going around telling them that you hear their prayers and the drought will end soon.

God answered, Fuck those guys. I didn’t send them. They’re lying liars and they’re going to die with everyone else.

So Jeremiah started crying and wailing, Why, God? Everybody is so sorry and they promise to only believe in you and you always said you’d forgive us if we repented!

Jeremiah 13: Underwear

One day, God told Jeremiah to go buy some new underwear–nice ones, like Calvin Klein or Bon Bons. A couple days later, as Jeremiah was enjoying the slide of his silky drawers, God was all, Now I want you to go down to the Euphrates and bury your underwear in the river bank. Jeremiah was all, Um….Ok….Then a few days after that, God was like, Hey Jeremiah, go dig up those underwear. So Jeremiah went and retrieved his now muddy, torn, ruined panties. God was all, I’m going to ruin Judah like you did those underwear!

Another time, God told Jeremiah to go tell people that God would turn them all into alcoholics, from the king to the beggar, and not happy drunks, either, but surly drunks, who would destroy each other with fighting.

That they would all go into exile and have pain worse than childbirth. He told them, God says, Can the leopard change its spots? No? That’s while I will scatter you! I will see you punished! I will hold your skirts over your heads–hold you down–while you are raped and murdered!

Jeremiah 12: Why’s life so unfair?

God’s promise of revenge didn’t really satisfy Jeremiah, so he was all, Why, God? Why do you let the wicked prosper? Why haven’t you gone ahead and destroyed Judah by now?

God was all, Patience, my boy! All those a bad people who taunt you will get theirs. Our time lines are different. I don’t conceive of things in puny human years. Don’t you worry that pretty little head of yours. Besides, if all your countrypeople repent, I might spare them.

Jeremiah 11: Death threats

Then God told Jeremiah to go through all the streets of Jerusalem and then to all the smaller cities and remind everyone he met of the covenant It has made with Abraham, Moses, and all those guys, and that anyone who ignored or forsook that covenant was cursed! Doomed!

So Jeremiah traveled about declaring woe and doom, but people didn’t really like it. In fact, it kinda pissed them off. At Anathoth, people even roughed up Jeremiah and told him that he could either stop “prophesying” or they would kill him. This freaked him out pretty bad, so he called on God to help him. God was all, ignore those cats, yo. Their sons will be murdered and their daughters will starve to death.

Jeremiah 10: Fake gods

Jeremiah preached, God says you all are stupid for worshiping other gods because other gods are fake! They’re just man-made idols, crafted out of wood and metal. Our God is the real God. It’s everywhere. It can’t be seen! It made heaven and earth! It wasn’t made by human hands. And It’s pissed that you’ve forsaken It for some stupid idols–worthless trash!

Jeremiah 9

It makes God sad that It will have to punish and torture  you because you abandoned It and cheated on It. It doesn’t want to make you suffer or kill you, you see. But…you deserve to die writhing in pain because you cheating cheaters, so, because It’s a just god, It has rain death and destruction upon you. So mourn for your bleak, short futures and gruesome deaths.