Joshua 15

So Judah was given all the land between Edom and Zin, the Mediterranean and the Jordan, and they set about pacifying the land by exterminating the inhabitants. Before the battle at Kiriath-Sephar, Caleb promised his daughter Aksah and the city to the officer who captured it. Caleb’s nephew, Othneil won the day, the girl, and the city. Then Aksah told her new husband and first cousin that they needed some land with the city and asked her father for the surrounding countrywide, which he granted her.

Then the other cities and towns were divided among the clan leaders.

Joshua 14

So Eleazar the Priest and Joshua told everyone it was time to draw lots to set out territorial boundaries among the remaining eight tribes. Reuben, Gad, and Manasseh had gotten theirs on the other side of the Jordan and  Judah and Ephraim had already gotten their allotments.

See, Caleb of Judah came to Joshua was and was all, bro, you remember what Moses said to me all those years ago when you and I and those other dudes were first sent as spies to Canaan, right? That this land, the land on which I trod would be mine? So this hill country should be Judah’s and I want Hebron to my city and the capital of the territory.

Joshua 13

By this time, Joshua was old and worn out, and God was all, look, bro, I think it’s about time for you to retire. You humans wear out so fast! There is still so much to do, because there are still Philistines, Geshurites and Canaanites alive. But whatever. I guess it’s my fault really. Anyway, you need to finish divvying up the land among the Hebrews even though it isn’t all conquered yet before you die.

Joshua 11: Conquering Northern Canaan

By this time, the folk in northern Canaan were beginning to freak out a bit about the Hebrew threat. So Jabin, King of Hazor and the high king of the area, parlayed with Jobab, King of Madon and the kings of Shimron and Achshaph, and well, just about every other king or warlord in the area to convince them to join forces to defend themselves against the encroaching Hebrews.

The resulting army was huge, with many divisions of charioteers and cavalry. But God whispered to Joshua not to worry, that the Hebrews would burn the chariots and hamstring the horses. Continue reading “Joshua 11: Conquering Northern Canaan”

Joshua 10: The Battle of the Five Kings

Lo, when Adoni-Zedek, King of Jerusalem, heard what had come to pass at Ai and Jericho, and that Joshua had executed both kings, and that the Gibeonites had made peace with the Hebrews and accepted enslavement, he became really freaked, because he had always thought of Gibeon as a city equal in strength and power as his own. So Adoni-Zedek King sent forth messengers to Hoham, King of Hebron; Piram, King of Jarmoth; Japhis, King of Lachish; and Debin, King of Elgon, treating them to band with him to attack Gibeon for betraying them all.

Then the army of Five Kings marched forth toward Gibeon, and the Gibeonites send word to Joshua, praying for the mighty warrior to save his vassals. Joshua was all, No one but me fucks with my bitch! and he and the Hebrews marched forth to defend Gibeon. Continue reading “Joshua 10: The Battle of the Five Kings”

Joshua 9: The Gibeonite Deception

By this time, all the inhabitants of the land–the Amorites, Hittites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites decided to join forces to fight the Hebrews. But the Gibeonites had a different idea.

They gathered up all their most worn out clothes and packs and saddles and wine skins and loaded up the worst of their provisions and wine and traveled to Gilgal to parlay with the Hebrews. They told Joshua that they had traveled from a far land–just look at how worn out their stuff was!–because they had heard about all the feats and miracles of the Hebrews and they really wanted to make a covenant with them.  So Joshua and the officers shrugged and broke bread and made a covenant without consulting God. Continue reading “Joshua 9: The Gibeonite Deception”

Joshua 8: Conquering of Ai

Then God was all, ok, I’ll help you conquer Ai now. You will burn it like you did Jericho, but this time, I’ll let you plunder its livestock and goods.

So Joshua sent 30,000 men by night to hide to lie in ambush near Ai while he marched with 5,000 men to attack the city. The plan was that when the Aians came out to fight the Hebrews, they would flee before them, leading them away from the city. The the hidden army would leap out and attack and burn the city. Continue reading “Joshua 8: Conquering of Ai”

Joshua 7: Some Minor Setbacks

Then Joshua sent spies to check out the city of Ai, and they came back with the report that the city was weak and ripe for the picking. So Joshua sent a small force of 3,000 to take it, but instead, the army of Ai routed the Hebrews and killed thirty-six of them.

When Joshua heard, he tore his clothes and hair and everyone else threw dirt on their heads, and Joshua cried out to God, Why? Why God? You promised we would always win! Why?  God was all, because you guys broke the rules. Joshua was all, what? when?! How? God was all, not everything from Jericho was burned. Somebody took something, and I don’t like that. It all needs to burn and now the person who took the forbidden stuff needs to burn too. Him and his family and all his stuff. Joshua was, As you command, Lord. Continue reading “Joshua 7: Some Minor Setbacks”

Joshua 6: Capturing Jericho

The people in Jericho knew that the Hebrews were close by, so they shut up the city and prepared for a siege.

In the meantime, God told Joshua that the Hebrew army should march silently around Jericho, lead by priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant and blowing trumpets, every day for six days, and then on the seventh day, the march around the city seven times, and then at the end of the last circumnavigation, to have the priests blow long and hard on the trumpet and everyone yell at the same time. (Why this wasn’t considered a violation of the Sabbath and thereby a stoneable offense isn’t explained.) Continue reading “Joshua 6: Capturing Jericho”