Then God told the recording angel to go get a bunch of coal out from between the topaz wheels of the cherubim ship and scatter it all over Jerusalem. After the angel left, God sucked Its spirit out of the Temple and returned to the sapphire throne.
Then God called out, Come, my vengancers! And six armed men appeared, accompanied by a seventh who carried notebooks and pens. God told the recording angel to go through Jerusalem and put a mark on anyone’s forehead who reprobated their cheating, polytheistic neighbors. Then It told the avenging angels to kill anyone without a mark.
At that command, I fell on my face and begged God to have mercy on the Jews, but It was all, The Jews are cheating whores who deserve death.
A little more than a year after God first visited me, and just a few months after my ordeal with the brick was over, God came again. I was sitting in my house, being consulted by some elders when all of a sudden, God appeared in all Its molten chrome glory! It extended Its fingers, grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into the cherubim vehicle! Then we flew to the Temple in Jerusalem, where I saw a bunch of priests worshiping one of the idols that filled God with a jealous rage.
I glanced at God, and It was all, That’s not even the worst of it! Dig in that hole over there!
So I dug and found a door that lead to a room filled with idols and bugs and maggots and snakes and pigs and shrimp and every unclean thing–and 70 elders worshiping them! Then God took me to another part of the Temple where a crowd of women were mourning Tammuz, the Babylonian greenman of rebirth and renewal! Finally, It showed me 25 more men worshiping the sun.
Then God said, Human, do you see?! How insulting that the Jews cheat on me in my own house! They all deserve death!
And another time, God said to me, Human, this is my message for the Jews. The end is nigh! I’m pissed and will destroy you. The end is nigh! Pain! Fear! My wrath will pour down! Doom is bursting forth! The end is nigh! Starvation, war, disease will wipe you out! Those unfortunate enough to survive will pray for death! The end is nigh! The end is nigh! I see it, human! You cheating Jews will lose all your precious money because you used it to cheat on me! The end is nigh, and you will know I am God!
God spoke to me another time and said, Human! Prophesy against Israel! Tell the Jews i will destroy them with war and famine. I will scatter the survivors to the winds! The Jews are cheating cheaters and worship other gods. Go tell everyone this and be sure to stomp your feet and clap your hands while you do so! That way everyone will take you seriously.
One day after the year and a half I spent laying down, feeling my body atrophy and rot around me, God’s voice came to me and said, Human, take a sword and shave your head! Then divide the hair into three bunches. Burn the first, cut up the second with the sword, and scatter the third to the winds! But keep some of it and sew it into your clothes. Your hair represents that cheating whore Jerusalem. She will feel my wrath. Her people will starve until parents eat their children and children eat their parents! Exile will scatter those that war does not consume!
Then God told me to carve Jerusalem on a brick, and then to carve an army besieging it. Then It commanded me to lie on my left side for 390 days with the brick on my side to symbolize Israel’s punishment, and then to roll over and lie on my right side for another 40 days to signify Jerusalem’s. It said, You will only drink a scant pint of water and eat an 8 ounce slice of multi-grain bread that you will cook on your own shit each day! But I was all, Please don’t degrade me so bad, God! So It relented and said I could cook my bread on cow shit instead.
Eat it, human! It commanded. So I ate it, and it tasted like honey. Then God said, Human, go to the Jews and give them my messages in plain Hebrew! Don’t fear them. You are as stubborn as they!
Then God beamed me up into the cherubim thing and took me back to Tel Abib where the exiles were refugees. There, I brooded a week but then God spoke to me, in my head, and said, Human! You are now the guardian of the Jews! From now on, you will only be able to speak or leave your house when I permit! And it is now your responsibility to criticize people’s bad behavior! You must tell the wicked that they are wicked, even if they don’t listen. Though they will die for their sins, it is your soul that will be stained! You must warn the righteous to stay that way anytime one of them thinks of slipping. Otherwise, their fall will be on your soul!
God boomed out, Human! Stand up like a man and listen!
So I stood up and then It said, Human, I am sending you to prophesy to the Jews, my rebellious and stubborn people. It doesn’t really matter if they listen or not. It’s enough that I send you with my messages!
It must have seen my skepticism because It was all, Human! Do not be afraid. They will not heed you, but I will protect you! Now eat!
And it gave me a book filled with sad stories and songs.
Five years into King Jehoiachin’s exile, when I was 30, I was down by the Chebar River when I saw God. There was this humongous thundercloud that rolled in from the north, but the center was glowing. In that radiance, there were these cherubim, and these things were terrifying. They each had four faces–a human one, a lion, a cow, and an eagle–and four wings. Two covered their bodies and two made them fly and each moved by an infinity wheel that sparkled like a jewelry store. Above the cherubim was a crystal floor with a sapphire throne in the middle. On that throne sat God. God looked like a man, but all fire or rainbows from the waist down and molten chrome from the waist up. It had a voice like thunder. You better believe, I kissed the ground.