Habakkuk 1: Habakkuk’s complaint

Habakkuk the prophet complained God, Why, God, haven’t you destroyed this sinful place? You keep promising to do it, but you haven’t done it yet!

God answered, Hold your damn horses! I’m working on it! It even takes me some time to build up Babylon into a colonizing and destroying force. But it’ll happen! Soon! I pinky swear.

Then Habakkuk complained, Why, God, do evil people prosper? I look around me and it’s always bad people with all the damn money.

Nahum 3: No hope

Nineveh, get ready for the siege, although will do you no good. God has decided on your destruction, and you are no better than any of the other nations It has destroyed. Your city will be burned! Piles of corpses like mountains will litter the streets! You will be treated like the whore you are! You’ll be stripped naked, all the nations will laugh at your filth!


So ends Nahum. Next are the complaints of Habakkuk.

Nahum 2: The destruction of Nineveh

Beware, Assyrians! The enemy is coming. Man the ramparts! Not that it will do you any good because God has decided upon your destruction. An army in red uniforms will besiege and overwhelm Nineveh. Their chariots will tear through the streets! Neighborhoods will burn! The King’s wives and mistresses will be raped and sold into slavery! The city will be plundered. Desolation! Desolation! All will be lost.

Nahum 1: Ninevah will pay

When Assyria was busy destroying Israel and subduing Judah, Nahum of Elkosh received a message from God about Assyria’s capital, Nineveh. He went around saying, God causes natural disasters. It makes earthquakes and floods, droughts and whirlwinds! God is a jealous and angry god and It punishes those that piss It off! So don’t worry, Judah! God might be punishing you right now, but trust that It has worse in store for those that subdue and oppress you! Nineveh, God has your number! It says you are vile and It will make your grave!

Micah 7: Micah’s lonely

Woe is me! I feel as used up and barren the field after harvest. I feel so alone. Because it seems like only sinners and evildoers are left in the world. I mean, you can’t trust anyone! You can’t trust your neighbor – he’ll screw you over! You can’t trust your wife –she’ll broadcast your secrets all over town! You can trust your kids – they totally defy you and are complete dicks! Don’t gloat yet, haters! Because whenI look like I’m down, that’s when God’s gonna lift me up!

But God will eventually forgive Its chosen children to give us back the promised land. One day, God, all the people will come worship you like they’re supposed to. From Egypt to Assyria, from sea to shining sea, your righteous worshipers will rule! All the rest of the world will be a barren wasteland, and every other nation will be sad and ashamed.


(The end. The next few books are really short!)

Micah 6: What do you have to say for yourself?

God wants you to go tell it on the mountain. It wants to know what you have to say for yourself. Didn’t It rescue you from Egypt, like, a 1000 years ago? Didn’t It thwart Balak’s plan to have Balaam curse you? And yet you twiddle your thumbs and ask, what does God want me to do? God already told you! God cries out in exasperation, Do you really expect me to spare the cheaters and liars? The rich who oppress the poor? No longer! I’m down for some poetic justice, says God. You’ll sow and harvest, you’ll go hungry because you cheated on me!

Micah 5: The future

In that future time, Micah bellowed, the once and future King will be born in the wee city of Bethlehem! That King will bring glory back to Judah! And when the Assyrians come again to conquer us and they will be conquered! People in exile will be returned! And in that time God will destroy the armies and strongholds! It will destroy fortunetellers and psychics! It will destroy idols and Asherim! In anger and wrath, It will destroy all nations that do not obey!

Micah 4: Mountain

But it’s not all bad, guys, continued Micah. God will raise a mountain! The highest mountain! That mountain will be the center of the world. From far and near people will come to learn God’s rules. There will be peace! There’ll be prosperity! Swords will be beaten to plowshares! Spears to pruning hooks! Exiles will come home! The disabled will be honored! Jerusalem will be the best city in the world! So don’t cry, people! Even if everything sucks right now. It’s your own fault that everyone is wailing like women in labor. I know it seems like the whole world is against you. Right now they are. Judah will lose, her people will be taken to exile in Babylon. But it’s all okay! Because of that mountain. Because God will redeem and forgive you. Eventually.

Micah 2: The usual message

Micah continued, Woe to people who plot wickedness, who are greedy and oppress and take the property of poor people. You’ll get your comeuppance! Everyone will taunt you!

You guys keep telling me to stop preaching, but should you really silence someone on a mission from God? Stop listening to the prosperity preachers. Those guys are liars. You better stop thinking this peace and prosperity will last. Doom is coming!