Isaiah 3: Isaiah says God doesn’t like slutty women either

God will make food and water scarce–and God will make good leaders even scarcer! There will be no wise  men, no prophets. No leaders and no generals. Good men asked to lead will refuse. Instead callow boys and women will lead you! Laws will be overturned. Everyone will be rude. Justice will be perverted. Dogs will snuggle with cats!

God is particularly scandalized by these modern women! They are so snobby and slutty! So God will cover their beauty with scabs! It will take away their finery–their bracelets and anklets, their earrings and nose rings, their necklaces and headbands! Even their perfumes and fancy clothes and mink stoles and expensive handbags. Their hats and scarves and hosiery. All of it will be gone! And God will replace it with rags and stench! God will let everyone see their pu…their lady parts!

Isaiah 2: Isaiah says God hates foreigners

Isaiah stood on his street corner and preached, It shall come to pass that one day all the world will worship our God. And peace will reign on earth. Don’t you guys want to be part of that? But you can’t, oh men of Judah! No! You are sinful and you cheat on God! You import foreign luxuries and make deals and friendships with foreigners! You adopt foreign customs and accept foreign money and sometimes, even honor foreign gods! You should be ashamed! For this God will bring you low and destroy your treasures and wealth. You will be humbled and forced to dwell in caves!

Isaiah 1: Meet Isaiah

Isaiah was a prophet under four kings of Judah, Uzziah/AzariahJothan, Ahaz, and Hezekiah. So basically, he was that guy who stands on the street corner and yells at everyone passing by about how they’re going to hell and how the world is going to end for over 50 years.  This is a collection of his prophecies.

Isaiah preached that God told him that Judah was doomed. Doomed! For the usual stuff–the people had forsaken It, etc. Isaiah would stand there and tell anyone who would listen, and the empty air, when no one would, that God was going to burn Judah with fire and then let foreigners come in and rule it.

This land is Sodom and Gomorrah, Isaiah would yell. You are such sinners that God no longer accepts your sacrifices! It turns Its nose up at the smell of the burning bull and goat, at your incense! Repent, ye sinners!

Jerusalem is a whore, open to all comers! Isaiah ranted. It’s filled with murders and rebels. Everyone is greedy and oppress the poor! God will punish the city. It will burn out the wicked and restore the city’s righteousness.

Song of Songs 8: And they all live happily ever after

Afterwards, when Solomon was asleep, Sandy cooed over him about how she would love him even if he were poor.

When they came back to town, Sandy’s friends were pretty scandalized at their appearance and took Sandy aside to tell her she looked like hell. But Sandy didn’t care. She was all, this is my man and I love him.

Sandy’s friends were all, We hope our little sisters are as luck as Sandy.

Sand was all, Yes, I am lucky to be one of the king’s women. I wouldn’t give my vineyard to anyone else.

Solomon called out for Sandy and they left together for the happily ever after.

 

Well that concludes that. Next time we start Isaiah, who was a debby-downer for four kings of Judah.

Song of Songs 7: another cheesy sex scene

Solomon really loved to blaze Sandy’s beauties. He really couldn’t get enough of it. One night, he started at her feet, kissing each toe and was all, you have the finest little feet, and those legs go on for days. I just want to lap wine from your belly button. And your boobs! So bouncy and yet so perky! I could nipple your neck for the rest of my life. Your teeth are so straight and perfect and all there! You have to teach the rest of the harem your dental care routine. I drown in your eyes. I love the smell of your hair and the way my fingers get tangled in it.

Then he kissed her and nuzzled her breasts and asked to taste her fruits.

Sandy answered, Yes, oh yes! All my fruit is yours! Let’s walk in the vineyard and make love beneath the blossoming vines!

Song of Songs 6: The friends finally meet Solomon

They made up of course.

On another day, Sandy’s friends came over and were all, So where’s this boy of yours? We want to meet him.

Sandy answered, He went home. But he’ll be back to browse my lilies soon.

Later, when Solomon came to hook up with Sandy, he again raved about how hot she was and about how great it was that she still had all her teeth. He told her, I may have 60 wives and 80 concubines, and I don’t know how many virgins waiting for me to deflower them, but you the one that I want, Sandy.

That evening, Sandy’s friends came back and when they met Solomon, they were all, Like you are pretty swell! What’s your name?

Solomon was all, uh……………I gotta go.

But the friends were all, Oh no you don’t! You’re the king, aren’t you.

Solomon was all, Yeah? And what of it?

Song of Songs 5: Love ’em and leave ’em

Solomon moaned, I’m coming in your garden! I’m eating your honeycomb!

People nearby were all, Have at her, Solomon!

But then the next day, Sandy woke up alone. She sobbed to her friends, I opened my garden for Solomon…let him walk there and plant his seed…but he left again! And this time when I went looking for him and asked the cops if they had seen him, they laughed at me and hit me and called me a whore! Even if I am a whore, I’m at least the king’s whore! And I need him soooo bad. If any of you see him, will you tell him that? That I need him. I want him. I can’t live without him!

Her friends were all, Why? What makes him so special?

Sandy answered, He is sooo fine. So fine. He has this curly blond hair and I just drown in his eyes. His lips are strong and sweet. And God is he ripped. Wash my clothes on those abs. And well, she giggled, he is hung like those fabled cedar trees of Lebanon.

Song of Songs 4: Solomon’s lines

Solomon said to Sandy, You are so fine, girl! Your eyes are so large and your hair is so long and curly. I love how white and even your teeth are, and you have all of them! Your lips are red velvet. I could nuzzle your neck for days. And your titties! So perky and luscious. Mmm girl, I will climb your mountain all night. So come with me, babe. Let’s climb the mountain and plumb the depths of your well. Let me walk in your garden and taste your honeyed fruits.

Sandy moaned, Oh yes! Walk in my garden!

Song of Songs 3: Sandy realizes who her lover is

Sandy sighed, But when I woke up in the morning, my lover was gone ! I wandered around town looking for him, asking everyone I met. I almost despaired, but at last I found him! I made him come home with me to meet my mom…That’s when I realized my lover was actually King Solomon! Well, he did the honorable thing and married me. Or made me his concubine. Or something. I dunno exactly. When we tied the knot, he did so all officially, with an honor guard. He drove his nicest cedar carriage all inlaid with gold and silver. It is truly a sweet ride. I bet it makes all the girls, well, you know.

Song of Songs 2: He’s so fine

Sandy continued, he called me the most beautiful among all women. I am sooo happy. My crush is like an apple tree in a dark forest–His love is like raisins and wine. I’m only complete when he’s holding me. Friends, it is so good to be loved. Look! There he comes. Look at his that chest and those legs. So muscular. Coming love! I am yours until the mountains crash into the sea.

Solomon whispered to her, Show me your face and let me hear your voice. And let me run in your vineyard, my sweet.