Malachi 3: Just wait til God gets home

Malachi told everyone another message from God:

Listen to this dude, cuz he’s my messenger. One day, y’all are going to get a surprise visit from me, and you ain’t gonna like it. I mean, no one can really live up to my standards, and you think y’all will live through my visit? I’m gonna purify all those shitty priests and their shitty offerings! I’m sick of you guys skimping on the good stuff! Where my tithes at? If you want good harvests, then you better pay up! I make it rain, yo!

Also, quit bitching about if evildoers prosper, then I’m not real. You don’t know my ways, yo! And I’m, like, omniscient and omnipotent and stuff. So just believe that justice will prevail, on some dimensional plane or other!

But wait, there’s more! When I come to town, I’m will destroy sorcerers, of course. But I also hate cheaters and liars, so I will destroy anyone who’s ever cheated on their spouse and any one who ever swore falsely–don’t swear to god unless you mean it, yo! I also hate the fact that rich humans are dicks to poor humans, so I will destroy shitty bosses who treat their workers bad and don’t pay them enough and anyone who mistreats or oppresses poor single women and their children. Also, y’all have been immigrants! People who mistreat¬† immigrants are the worst, and they will feel my wrath, too.

So everyone was like, well since this Malachi dude says he’s speaking from God and is preparing the way for all this punishment, we better take him seriously! So they wrote all that he said down in a book so they could remember it and promised that they would do their best to please God from then on.



Micah 5: The future

In that future time, Micah bellowed, the once and future King will be born in the wee city of Bethlehem! That King will bring glory back to Judah! And when the Assyrians come again to conquer us and they will be conquered! People in exile will be returned! And in that time God will destroy the armies and strongholds! It will destroy fortunetellers and psychics! It will destroy idols and Asherim! In anger and wrath, It will destroy all nations that do not obey!

I Samuel 28: The Witch of Endor

Meanwhile, back in Gibeah, Saul grew more and more agitated because he couldn’t get God to talk to him–not through dreams, not through prophets, not through cleromancy. He so desperately wanted to talk to God that he wanted to call up Samuel, though dead these several years. Unfortunately for Saul, he had executed or banned all the known necromancers, mediums and sorcerers during his reign. One night, as the Philistines gathered against him, Saul grew so desperate that he offered the fortune to the person who could find him a medium. Soon word came that such a person lived at Endor.

Saul disguised himself as a commoner and went to see this witch-lady of Endor one night. When he asked her for her services, she glared at him suspiciously and barked, King Saul, he’s stoned all the witches and seers. Are you trying to get me killed? Saul swore to do her no harm, he only sought her services. He was persuasive, but surely she must have wondered when he asked her to call up the prophet Samuel.¬† Continue reading “I Samuel 28: The Witch of Endor”