I Samuel 5: The Philistines and the Ark

The Philistines were pretty excited to have captured the Hebrews’ God. They carried it to Ashdod and sat it next to the idol of Dagon (their god). Next morning, however, they awoke to find the statue of Dagon toppled and its head and hands cut off and placed in the doorway of their temple.

This freaked everyone out pretty badly, but before long things got even worse. By that afternoon people started developing tumors and other weird growths. Within a few days, the disease had spread all through the country side. Before too long the town leaders were all, this Hebrew God has got to go. So they decided to ship the Ark off to Gath. But the same thing happened in Gath, so those people shipped the Ark off to Ekron. But the people of Ekron were all, hell no! we’re not taking that thing. It’s like to kill us all! Send it back to the Hebrews.


Judges 16: Samson and Delilah

Samson never seemed to marry again, but he always had a thing for Philistine chicks. Like this one time, when he went down to Gaza to visit a prostitute he had thing for, the townspeople set up an ambush, but instead of catching Samson when he left late that night, he just tore down the gates and carried them off while the town guard stood there agape.

But the girl that was Samson’s downfall was Delilah. She was this Philistine girl that Samson just had to have. But she wasn’t just a common hooker to be won easy. In fact, she couldn’t stand Samson. But the town leaders came to her and were all, Delilah, if you seduce him and find out what will make him weak, we’ll make you a rich woman. Suffer through his weird dick until you find out the secret! You won’t regret it. Continue reading “Judges 16: Samson and Delilah”