Ezekiel 44: Odds and ends

God continued, The East gate will never be opened! Never! Because it will be my private entrance and I’m insubstantial. Only the king will be allowed to approach the East gate, but he will have to use the vestibule door.

The Temple priests. Well, most of the Levites pissed me off, but they are still of the priestly class, so they will be assigned to all the menial Temple duties. Only the descendants of Zadock will be allowed to do duty in the Inner Temple. All priests will have to wear all linen. No wool! Even if it’s a bad winter. Wool makes you humans sweat, and I can’t abide human excretions. I don’t know why I made you so leaky. It’s just gross. The priests will need to keep their hair trimmed nicely–not too long or too short, but they should grow glorious hipster beards. They must marry Jewish virgins or widows of priests. ¬†They are not allowed to drink in the Temple complex! They should also always abide by all my laws! For this they will receive the firstfruits.

One of the things that pissed me off the most and that caused me to destroy Jerusalem was that you guys let all kinds of people and things in the Temple. No more of that! No foreigners or uncircumcised people are allowed in the Temple!


I Samuel 2

Hannah brought her son new clothes every year and she went on to have three more sons and two daughters.

So Eli’s sons, Hophni and Phineas, were godless jerks who abused their priestly powers. They would take both boiled and raw meat, more than their share, from people offering sacrifices. They would also make the women who served at the tabernacle to have sex with them. People complained, so eventually, Eli had to confront them. He warned them that they were courting God’s wrath, but they blew him off.

One day a dude happened by who brought a message from God to Eli, rebuking him for his sons’ behavior and his own inaction, and prophesied that Eli’s house would come to death and ruin.