Exodus 29

Ok, Moses, before the priests can start to serve me properly, they will need to be hazed, I mean consecrated. First, tell them all to bathe. Then dress them in their new outfits and pour holy oil on their heads. Then take a bull and after they all touch it, kill it in my courtyard. Smear some of the blood on the horns of the altar and pour out the rest at its base. Then burn its fat and organs on my altar, but take the rest out into the desert to burn–I don’t really like beef.  Then take a ram and kill it. Throw its blood on the altar, and burn the whole thing on it. I prefer mutton, you know. Finally, take a second ram, but daub some of its blood on Aaron and his sons’ right ears, right thumbs and right big toes. Then throw the rest on the altar. For this ram, just burn the fat and organs and its right thigh for me. Oh, and add some bread or matzoh for a palate cleanser.  Wave the rest of it before the altar. You take the breast, Moses, and give the left thigh to the others to eat. In fact, that’s going to be a standing rule–the priests get the breast and left thigh of sacrificial animals.

Oh, and once isn’t enough. You guys will need to go through this ritual every day for a week.

Normally, however, I’ll need my daily bread and daily lamb. Burn me up some every morning and every evening, so I don’t get peckish. Also add some wine, because I need something to wash it all down with.

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Exodus 17

The Hebrews traveled slowly across Sin, making camp wherever God told them to. When they were camped at Rephidim, they ran out of water and began cursing and attacking Moses again. Moses was all, help God! I think they’re really gonna kill me this time! God was all, you still have that magic staff don’t you? Well gather all the people, and then take the magic staff and hit the rock of Horeb and voila, water.

So Moses did, and then renamed the place Massah. Or was it Meribah? Continue reading “Exodus 17”

Exodus 16

After leaving Elim, the Hebrews had to traverse the wilderness of Sin on the way to Mount Sinai. Sin was a desolate wasteland, and the people got really sick of trudging across it on bare rations, so they began complaining about the trip, about being hungry, about how huge of a stupid dick Moses was, and how much better it had been in Egypt.

Moses started getting worried that people might attack him, so to pacify everyone, God told Moses that he was going to make it rain bread, but that there were certain rules everyone would have to follow…. Continue reading “Exodus 16”

Exodus 15

So Moses wrote a song about crossing the Red Sea:

I will sing to the Lord, my God.
It drowned the Egyptians.
God is totally awesome, yeah.
Pharaoh is having conniptions. 

God is so awesome and mighty.
It makes the wind blow hard.
It makes the seas to ebb and flow.
It leaves the earth so charred.

What God is like our God, I ask?
Our God is the best God.
Philistines, Moabites, Edomites, Amorites
all tremble at our God.

God will lead us to Canaan land,
A land of milk and honey.
It will clear out our enemies.
The carnage will be funny.

Continue reading “Exodus 15”

Exodus 12: Smiting of the Firstborn

Then Moses told the Hebrews that God gave them the following instructions, and that it was crucial that they follow these orders to a T to avoid being smote along with the Egyptians. He told them that everyone needed to sacrifice a lamb at twilight and then smear its blood all over the lintels and doorposts of their houses. Also that night, everyone was to eat a feast of unleavened bread and bitter herbs and to burn whatever wasn’t eaten. After dinner everyone needed to be dressed, packed and ready to flee, because the orders from Pharaoh to drive them out would be shortly forthcoming.

Moses also told them that in the future, the Hebrews would always celebrate this holiday for a week, and hold the main feast on the tenth day of the first month of every year. In the future, Hebrews would not be allowed to eat or even possess any leaven during that whole week. Continue reading “Exodus 12: Smiting of the Firstborn”

Exodus 9: Plagues of Livestock Death and Hail

Then God told Moses to go through the routine with Pharaoh again, only to threaten him with the death of all the livestock this time. But It was all, don’t worry Moses! I won’t kill the Hebrews’ livestock, m’kay?

So Moses went to Pharaoh with the same old song and dance, then all the Egyptians’ livestock died. Pharaoh still didn’t let the Hebrews go, because now someone had to haul off all the dead carcasses, right? Continue reading “Exodus 9: Plagues of Livestock Death and Hail”

Exodus 7: Plague of Water into Blood

God told Moses, Moses, don’t you know that Pharaoh sees you as a god? He thinks of Aaron as your prophet, man, I promise. Really. And I command you to go to Pharaoh and tell him to let the Hebrews go. It won’t work of course. I’ll see to that. I feel like getting my smite on here in Egypt. But go tell Pharaoh anyway so I can start the smiting.  Anyways, when Pharaoh wants evidence that you come from God, do the staff trick and see if that don’t blow his mind.

So Moses and Aaron wen to Pharaoh and told him to let the Hebrews go. When Pharaoh looked bored and vaguely annoyed, Aaron was all, hey, check this out! and threw down the magic staff, and it turned into a snake. Pharaoh yawned and waved to his court magicians, who all threw down their staffs, which also turned to snakes. So now there were all these snakes writhing about, but before anyone could try to catch them so they’d turn back into staffs, Aaron’s staff-cum-snake ate the other three. I guess his must have been a king snake or something. Continue reading “Exodus 7: Plague of Water into Blood”

Exodus 6

God answered and was all, I’m just getting started, Moses. By the time I’m done Pharaoh will pay you guys to leave. Reassure everyone that this is all part of the plan.

But no one believed Moses because they were all too downtrodden and depressed from slaving all day.

Then God told Moses to go back to Pharaoh and ask again. Moses was all, why? Nobody listens to me. But God was all, DO IT!

Next comes a genealogy which claims that Moses and Aaron the great-grandkids of Levi. Levi had a son named Kohath, who had a son named Amram, who married his aunt (Kohath’s sister), who gave birth to Aaron and Moses. So this version would put the Hebrews in Egypt 80-100 years. Later it will claim to be over 400.

Exodus 5

Next day, Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and told him that God demanded that Pharaoh let the Hebrews go three days into the wilderness to perform sacrifices. But Pharaoh was all, who’s this God person and why do I care? They were all, It’s our God and It wants us to go three days into the wilderness to burn animals for it. If we don’t, It will get angry and cause natural disasters or war. Pharaoh was all, I hear you, Moses and Aaron, I really do. But you’ve got to see things from my side. Who’s going to do all the work while the Hebrews are away? Hmm? I mean, really, shouldn’t you be working right now? Continue reading “Exodus 5”