Joel 1: Another prophet

At some point, before both kingdoms fell, this dude named Joel ben Pethuel had a few messages from God to give to the elders:

Be said, alcoholics, because the wine has run out! The foreign invaders are like locusts. Locusts eat everything! They’re like a lioness with way too many teeth.  Everyone needs to cry like women! You better beg God and tell it you’re sorry. Between the invading army and the drought, we’re all fucked!

Advertisements

Hosea 13: Ingrates

They worship calf statues in Israel! They practice human sacrifice! And after all I’ve done for them too! I mean, I freed them from slavery, and fed them as the wandered around the desert for 40 years after I cursed them for worshiping a calf statue the first time. And then I helped them conquer the Promised Land, but did they commit total genocide like I asked them to? And now, a new calf statue to pray to!

But they’ll be sorry. I’ll make them pay. I’ll rip them up like a lion on a gazelle. *They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to pieces, pregnant women ripped open!

 

*This is word for word from Hosea 13:16