At some point, before both kingdoms fell, this dude named Joel ben Pethuel had a few messages from God to give to the elders:
Be said, alcoholics, because the wine has run out! The foreign invaders are like locusts. Locusts eat everything! They’re like a lioness with way too many teeth. Everyone needs to cry like women! You better beg God and tell it you’re sorry. Between the invading army and the drought, we’re all fucked!
So repent, Israel! Admit you’re wrong and ask for forgiveness! And stop cheating on me with calves and poles. If you do these things, I’ll forgive you and all will be well.
They worship calf statues in Israel! They practice human sacrifice! And after all I’ve done for them too! I mean, I freed them from slavery, and fed them as the wandered around the desert for 40 years after I cursed them for worshiping a calf statue the first time. And then I helped them conquer the Promised Land, but did they commit total genocide like I asked them to? And now, a new calf statue to pray to!
But they’ll be sorry. I’ll make them pay. I’ll rip them up like a lion on a gazelle. *They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to pieces, pregnant women ripped open!
*This is word for word from Hosea 13:16
But Israel does disobey. It does things like makes treaties with Egypt and Assyria. It relies on its wealth instead of on me, God. It will be sorry.
God said, I know I talk about Israel as my cheating wife a lot, but sometimes I prefer to think of it as a shitty, disobedient child. A son I raised from infancy and taught to walk and talk and read. And now he betrays me! I don’t want to destroy you, son! Why won’t you obey me?
Once upon a time, Israel was great, but then it cheated on God with a statue of a calf. Therefore, God will destroy Israel. the king of Israel will die. The forces of Israel will be defeated. Its cities burned. Its women and children murdered.
Israel is a cheating whore and will be cast out and sent back to Egypt. Or taken as slaves to Assyria, where they will be forced to eat unclean food. They’ll lose all their money and all their children will die or never be born!
God says, Israel has sown the wind and will reap the whirlwind! Also, why do you guys worship that stupid calf that that one dude made when you first broke up with Judah? I mean, you guys do remember the last time some of your ancestors worshiped a golden calf, right?
Another chapter calling Israel whoring cheaters and cheating whores who will be killed and/or humiliated.
I know what you’re thinking, Israel and Judah. You think God will forgive you and take back. It might be mad, but It will take you back. But let me tell you, God is pissed.