Ezekiel 31: Lament for Pharaoh

Later in the eleventh year of exile, God told me to sing this lament for Pharaoh:

Mr. Big Stuff

Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff

You’re never gonna get God’s love.

Now because you wear that false beard, oh yeah,

And have a big chariot, Oh yes you do now.

Do you think God will still give you Its love?

You think you’re higher than every star above, oh yeah.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 31: Lament for Pharaoh”

Ezekiel 28: Tyre and Sidon

God was really taken with the destruction of Tyre for some reason. It told me to sing to the king of Tyre:

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

Don’t you? Don’t you?

God also said that It was going to send a plague to destroy Sidon because It decided that It’d just make a clean sweep of it and completely clear everyone out of the Promised Land before It let the Jews return.

Ezekiel 27: Tyrian trade

God was particular about me laying out all the wonderful trade Tyre stood to lose when it was destroyed.  Tyre had a magnificent merchant fleet, made of Senirese juniper, Lebanese cedar, Bashanian oak, Cyprian cypress and Egyptian cotton, that traded all over the Mediterranean. It traded silver, iron, and lead from Tarshish; slaves and bronze from Greece, Tubal, and Meshek; horses and mules from Beth Togarnah; ivory and ebony from Rhodes; tortoise, coral, rubies, and textiles from Aram; wheat, olive oil, honey, and balm from Judah and Israel; wine and wool from Damascus; saddle blankets from Dedan; sheep and goats from Arabia and Kedar; spices, golds, and gems from Sheba and Raamah; and textiles from Harran, Kannah, Ashur, and Kilmad.

But all this wonderful trade will come to an end when God has Babylon destroy Tyre.

Ezekiel 24: No meat or mourning

Toward the end of the  ninth year of exile, God told me to write down that day’s date and show everyone because it was the date that the siege of Jerusalem started. And while I announced this I was sing them a song about how Jerusalem was a cooking pot full of good meat, left on the fire so long that even the pot would burn.

Shortly thereafter, my wife died. But God commanded me not to go into mourning. I wasn’t even allowed to cry. It said, “When people ask you why you aren’t mourning, tell them that you are a sign for how they should act when they hear that the Temple is destroyed. After this, you won’t be able to speak again  until a messenger comes with the news that Jerusalem has fallen.”

Ezekiel 23: More misogyny

God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”