Matthew 15: Watch your mouth

Some Pharisees came to Jesus and were all, Your groupies are gross and they break the rules because they don’t wash their hands before meals. Jesus answered, Who are you to judge? You tell people to violate the 4th Commandment. Handwashing isn’t even in the big 10. Besides. It’s not what goes into your mouth that maters–it’s what comes out!

The Pharisees went away pissy, and the groupies were all, Hey, shouldn’t you be worried that you keep pissing them off? But Jesus was all, Fuck those jokers. The blind leading the blind falls into a pit. Then Rocky was all, Could you explain the parable? And Jesus was all, Are you fucking stupid? Ok, so like who cares what you eat or if you wash your hands first. Whatever you eat gets digested and turns to poop, regardless. But what you say comes from your heart and reveals if you’re a good person or if you think about murder, sexual perversions and adultery, lying, stealing, whatever.

Then Jesus and the groupies traveled to Tyre. There a Canaanite woman started following them, hollering for Jesus to save her daughter. The groupies were all, Send this bitch away, Jesus! She’s annoying. But Jesus ignored them. Finally, he was all, Why should I help you when I’ve been sent to save the Jews? And she was all, Dogs can live on scraps. He nodded approvingly and lo! her daughter was healed.

Then he went on to heal a bunch of people and then repeated the loaves and fishes trick to feed another crowd.  Afterwards, he and the groupies sailed to Magadan.

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