Matthew 13: Parables

Later, Jesus went for a walk along the beach, but crowds started following him. So he hopped in a boat and rowed out from the shore, but the crowd just kept growing. He shrugged and, while his groupies manned the boat, started telling stories to everyone on the beach:

This dude decided to sow some seeds and he just scattered them everywhere. Some got eaten by birds, others landed in rocks and didn’t grow, and some landed in thick weeds and were choked out. Only the seeds that landed on good soil actually grew. Get it? Everyone might hear me speak, but shallow people won’t take it to heart and people too worried about life won’t listen. It’s only the rare listener whose heart is like good soil.

So this other dude sowed seeds in only good, tilled soil, but while he was asleep this asshole who hated him snuck into the field and sowed a bunch of weeds. When things started growing, the field hands asked if they should weed, but the farmer was all, No, just let everything grow together and when it’s harvest time, we’ll pull and burn the weeds before we harvest the wheat. I’m like that farmer and the devil is my asshole enemy! The harvest is the end of the world and the angels will reap the good and burn the sinners! 

Heaven is like a tiny mustard seed that grows so big it looks like a tree. And heaven is like yeasty dough rising into loaves. Heaven is like a pearl so large and beautiful that someone would liquidate all their property to own it. Heaven is a fishing net that gathers all the fish in the sea! But only the good fish are kept, while the trash fish are thrown away. Y’all understand?

And the crowd roared in applause.

Then Jesus was rowed ashore and went home. There, some groupies asked him, Why do you speak in parables and stories?  Jesus answered, Like Isaiah said, most of them wouldn’t understand a straight answer anyway, so I might as well talk in riddles. Only people as smart and good as you will understand the truths I speak.

Eventually, Jesus went home to Nazareth. There he went to the Temple to tell his stories and spread his message. People were all, This is Mary’s son, right? The brother of James, Judas, Simon, Joseph, and the girls, whatever their names are? The carpenter’s “son”? Who the hell does he think he is?

So Jesus was peeved and refused to do any miracles there.





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