Matthew 9: Healing people and making friends

So Jesus left that town sailed back to Nazareth, where some people met him carrying their paralyzed friend. Jesus looked at the guy, and was all, Your sins are forgiven, which caused a lot of people to look askance. That irritated Jesus a lot, so he said, Fine, haters. Dude, rise up and walk! The guy got up and walked away, and everyone in the crowd was pretty freaked out.

Later, Jesus saw Matthew, a government stooge, sitting bored at his desk and was all, Leave that noise and come with me. So Matthew walked out, and he and Jesus went to the nearest house party with a bunch of other government stooges and lobbyists and thugs and party-kids, and other questionable folk. This scandalized the Pharisees, who started whispering to the groupies, Yo, your boy’s keeping some sketchy company! But Jesus overheard them and was all, I’m a doctor for the sick, not the well! Go bother someone else! But some of the groupies had some doubts and were all, So, like, why don’t you fast like the priests say we’re supposed to? Jesus was all, Fasting is for funerals! Y’all fast soon enough.

He barely got those words out of his mouth before some other bigwig runs in and was all, My daughter died! Can’t you bring her back to life? So Jesus got up off the couch to follow the guy home. As he was going down the street, this woman with a hemorrhage touched his clothes and he was all, You’re healed! When Jesus and the man got to his house, Jesus told the mourners playing sad songs, Pipe down! You’re gonna wake her up! Everyone laughed nervously, because they thought dude was nuts. But then Jesus went into her bedroom, and after a few minutes, walked out with the girl, hand-in-hand.

On his way back to the party, two blind men came up to Jesus and were all, Heal us! And Jesus was all, You think I can? And they nodded and he touched their eyes and they could see again. Then he cast a demon out of a mute guy. Most people were impressed, but the Pharisees were all, He must be the prince of demons, since demons obey him!

Then Jesus went travelling again, preaching and healing, and gathering groupies. But no matter how big the crowds got, Jesus sighed and told his groupies that it wasn’t big enough.

 

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