Matthew 8: Further adventures of Jesus

The sermon on the mount gained Jesus a bunch of groupies who began following him around, trying to get close to him and stuff. Some of them were concerned about being homeless, but Jesus was all, If it’s good enough for me, it’s good enough for you too!

Another guy wanted to leave to go to his dad’s funeral, but Jesus was all, Dude’s dead. You can mourn here as well as there, so you might as well stay.

One of the groupies was a leper, who threw himself at Jesus’ feet and was all, Heal me! So Jesus put his hand on the guy’s head and was all, You’re healed, but the magic won’t work if you talk to anyone before you present your cleansing offering at the Temple. So hurry!

Then, when he made it back home to Capernaum, a Roman centurion, who had heard of him, was all, Jesus, will you heal my sick servant?  Jesus was all, Sure, take me to him! But the centurion was all, I’m not worthy. Just say the word and it will happen, cuz you can order demons around like I order my men! Jesus was impressed by this faith in his abilities, and lo! the servant was healed. 

Then Jesus healed one of his groupie’s mothers. After that, crowds of people came to be healed.

Afterwards, Jesus and some of his groupies took a boat across the Sea of Galilee. Jesus was tired from all the healing and preaching, so he went below decks to sleep. But a scary storm blew in and his groupies woke him up because they were scared. Jesus was all, For the love of me, can’t you let a brother sleep? Stop blowing winds! These bitches are scared! Then he went back to sleep. And lo! the winds stopped and the groupies were all a bit freaked out.

When they debarked at Gadarenes, they walked past a graveyard and were nearly attacked by two demon-possessed men. But the demons recognized Jesus and were all, What are you doing here? Did your Dad send you? We need a meatsuit, so if you’re going to cast us out, will you at least let us go possess those pigs over there?  Jesus was all, Go for it! But after the demons had possessed the pigs, Jesus made them plunge over a cliff into the sea and drown.

The herdsmen who tended the pigs had watched all of this, and then they fled back to town and was all, Y’all will not believe what we just saw! And told everyone. So when Jesus and his groupies came to town, they were met by a firm delegation telling them to move along, because they didn’t want no magical folk who talked with demons in their nice little town.


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