Matthew 7: Pearls before swine

Jesus continued, So I also have some ideas about living the good life. Changes in your mindset really, that will make you happier, or at least less stressed about shit you have no control over. First, do unto others and all that! Treat people with dignity and respect and kindness and shit. You know, the way you want to be treated. If everyone just did that, the world would be a better place.

Second, stop trying to fix other people’s problems and failures and work on your own! When you judge other people but ignore your own failures, you’re just a hypocrite, man.

Don’t be afraid to ask for shit you need. God will provide. And if it looks like God didn’t, that’s just because you can’t, like, understand the mind of Dad. But, like, don’t do stupid shit and then wonder why it fails! God’s not gonna bend the laws of physics for you at a whim. If you build a house on a beach, chances are it’s gonna get washed away in a hurricane. You need high ground and a good foundation! Take that metaphor and live it!

And be wary of false prophets. Not me, I’m a true prophet. You can tell false prophets cuz their prophecies never come true, even with retroactive exegesis. And when they get to the afterlife, God’s gonna all be, I don’ know you! And they’ll whine, What? We spent our lives prophesying and casting out demons and things in your name! But God’ll be, Not in my name, son. Get the fuck out!

Then Jesus took a bow and retired to the green room his disciples had set up on the mountain. The crowd burst into wild applause because that was the best street preacher any of them had seen in a long time.

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