Matthew 2: The wise men

Three dudes showed up in Jerusalem and went before King Herod and was all, So where’s the crown prince that was born recently? We saw this star that totally meant that the future King of the Jews was born and we have traveled for months to bring him these awesome presents.

This freaked Herod out–he was barely hanging on to power with the Roman war machine demanding tribute and obedience. The last thing he needed was some sort of magic competitor. So he put the visitors off with something noncommittal and started asking around.  Everyone told him that the prophets promised that the messiah would be born in Bethlehem. Then he summoned the wise men and was all, The baby you’re looking for is in Bethlehem. When you find him, let me know so I can go worship him too!

The wise men then followed their star all the way to Mary and Jesus. They hailed the star baby and gave him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Normally, three foreigners showing up on your door with expensive presents might be cause for alarm, but after being impregnated by God, Mary was totally chill and took it all in stride. The wise men didn’t want to overstay their welcome, and they weren’t no chumps, so they snuck out of Judea without letting Herod know a thing.

The night after they left, Joseph had another angel dream. In this one, the angel was all, Get the sheol out of Judea! Herod’s gonna come murder Jesus!  You gotta protect God’s seed! So the next day, Joseph packed Mary and Jesus up and hightailed it to Egypt.

Now after a few days Herod realized he’d been tricked. He thought, I ain’t no chump either. So he ordered every male baby under two in the Bethlehem region to be killed. This didn’t help his popularity.

A few years later, after Herod died, the angel sent another dream message to Joseph, telling him the coast was clear. So Joseph packed up the family and prepared to return back to Judea. But when he heard that Herod’s son Archelaus had ascended the throne, he decided that Judea was still too hot, so instead he moved to Nazareth in Galilee, which the Romans had placed under the rule of a different client king.

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