II Kings 9: Israel gets a new dynasty

Elisha sent one of the prophet trainees to Ramah to anoint a general named Jehu as king of Israel. The guy found Jehu in the officers’ tent and asked to speak to him privately. When the were alone, the prophet trainee dumped some oil on Jehu’s head and was all, God has decreed you to be the next king of Israel and that you will carry out Its curse on Ahab’s family, killing them all, as well as Jezebel! Then he ran away.

Bemused, Jehu went back into the officers’ tent. The other guys were all, what did that crazy dude want? At first Jehu was all, nothing, but they pressed him, so he was all, Well, he poured oil on my head and said I was king of Israel. The room got really quiet for a minute. Then as a body, the men rose to their feet and shouted, All hail King Jehu! 

Jehu was at first taken aback, but then he was all, Well if that’s your decision, what shall we do? So they conspired and decided to go attack the kings in Jezreel. Jehoram’s body was left to rot in Naboth’s vineyard, but Ahaziah’s was taken home to be buried in the family tomb.

Meanwhile, Jezebel did herself up real nice and accosted Jehu from the palace walls, calling him a Zimri, a traitor, a murder! Jehu ignored her and asked her eunuchs whose side were they on? And so they picked her up and threw her off the balcony. Jehu left her there to bleed to death and went inside to supper. After dinner and a few drinks, Jehu began to feel bad about leaving her out to rot, since she was a princess, so he commanded his men to go bury the body. Unfortunately, dogs had eaten her, and all they could find was the skull.

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