I Kings 19

When Ahab told Jezebel that Elijah got all the other prophets killed, she was pissed. She sent him a message saying as Baal as her witness, she would see Elijah dead. This freaked Elijah out pretty badly and he fled into the desert. Eventually he flopped down underneath a broom tree and was all, God, I have done thy bidding. Please let me die now! Then he fell asleep.

Some time later, an angel shook him awake and was all, eat this. So Elijah ate, and then passed back out. A bit later the angel woke him up to eat again and then again a third time, saying, You’ll need your strength because this is the last food you’ll see til Mount Horeb, which will take you, like, forty human days to get there or something. Mortals are so limited.

On Mount Horeb, Elijah crawled into a cave to hide, but God was all, Yo, Elijah, what are you doing on my mountain? Shouldn’t you be in Israel or someplace prophesying? 

Elijah was all, Oh my God, I’ve come for refuge and the solace of death for that evil woman Jezebel seeks my life for having done your righteous work! Let her not sacrifice my anointed blood on the filthy altar of Baal!

God was all, Come outside and chat. So Elijah crawled out of the cave and there was a simultaneous tornado and earthquake. When the noise subsisted enough for Elijah to hear again God was all, So yeah, about that solace and refuge, I promise I’ll give it to you one day, but right now, I sorta need you to do some stuff for me. Like I need you to go up to Syria and anoint this dude named Hazael as king. I mean, I know there’s already a king, but that way it’ll seed some rebellion. And then I want you to go find this dude Jehu in Israel and anoint him king–It’s all part of my plan to eventually depose Ahab and punish Israel for its cheating, whorish ways. See, both Hazael and Jehu will eventually be assassinated too, and Israel reduced to the mere thousands who have never worshiped Baal. And since you’re so tired, I guess I will get you a helper. Go to Abel-menolah and anoint this dude named Elisha to be your successor. He’ll go with you to train and help you. I mean, he’ll die a violent death too, but whatevs. Got it?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s