I Kings 13: A Prophet Comes to No Good End

Later a prophet from Judah traveled over to Israel to tell Jeroboam that God was really angry about all the idols and altars and new feast days and whatnot–so angry in fact that God had decided that Jeroboam was not the sort of dude It wanted to create a lasting dynasty from. While Jeroboam would get to keep the throne while he lived, his offspring would not sit upon it.

Upon hearing this, Jeroboam reached out his hand to order his men to seize the prophet. But  his hand shriveled up like the hand of body found buried in the sands of the Negev. Jeroboam freaked out and begged the prophet to heal him. So the prophet prayed and the hand was restored. Then Jeroboam was all, well, uh, why don’t you stay for dinner then? But the prophet was all, Nay! God commanded that I neither eat nor drink until my foot stepped again in Judah!

On his way home, this prophet met a second prophet. This new guy was all, hey, come to my place and kick it for a few! I got some mellow wine and the wife makes a mean kid stew! But the first prophet was all, Nay, my brother, God has bid that I neither eat nor drink in your land. The first prophet was all bummed for a bit, but then was all, So hey, I forgot to tell you! An angel…yeah, angel came and told me that God changed Its mind and that it’d be okay if you came to my place for dinner! The first prophet looked a bit skeptical, but decided that if this prophet said an angel gave the okay, then he’d suppose it would be fine. So he went over to the second guy’s house and hung out all afternoon eating and drinking and discussing the division of the kingdom and all these new religions and if Jeroboam’s gold calves were really gold or just gilded. Then the first prophet saddled up his donkey and headed back to Judah.

A couple miles away, a lion leapt out and killed the man–God was pissed he had disobeyed an express order. It had sent no angel. The lion just stood over the body, silent and staring. It didn’t eat the guy or try to kill his donkey–which was so paralyzed in fear that it just stood there, thinking it must be dead already and was probably just a donkey ghost bound to this hell for eternity.

When word of this strange sight made it back to the second prophet, he  was all, Oh. That’s probably the guy that I lied to. He was a cool dude. I didn’t think he’d get smote just for having dinner! So he traveled to the body, slung it over the shivering donkey, and had it buried in his own family’s tomb.


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