I Kings 12: The Next Generation

When Solomon died, his son Rehoboam inherited the throne. At the coronation, the people called on Rehoboam to lighten the taxation and forced servitude burdens demanded by Solomon. Solomon’s advisers were all, You should placate them, Rehobaom. But Rehoboam’s friends were all, No way! You should tell them you’re twice the man your father was!

So Rehoboam went to the people and was all, You think my father was hard! I’ll show you what a real king does! Wait until you feel the sting of my lash!

Then the people were all, Screw you, Rehoboam! We’ll make Jeroboam king! And all the tribes but Judah and Benjamin abandoned Rehoboam and anointed Jeroboam king of Israel.

Jeroboam worried that people would abandon him when feast time came and they pilgrimaged to Jerusalem to the Temple. So he made two golden calves as idols and appointed new feast days and new priests who were not of the tribe of Levi.

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