II Samuel 16: Family Strife Continues

On David’s decent of the Mount of Olives, he was met by Ziba, Mephibosheth’s servant, who had a bunch of food and some donkeys for David. David was all, Thanks! Is this from Mesphisbosheth? Where’s he at?  Ziba was all, Um, actually this is from me. Mephibosheth is back in Jerusalem, waiting for the people to return the throne to him. David was all, What? After all I’ve done for him? Well, fuck him. All his property is now yours.

Later, as David approached the town of Bahurim where he planned on camping, a dude named Shimei, who was from Saul’s clan, began trailing the the troop from a nearby hill. He started throwing rocks at David and calling him a worthless whoreson murderer and other obscenities. Abishai was all, Sire, you want that I should go cut off that loser’s head? But David was all, What’s with you bloodthirsty brothers? No! If he curses me, God wills it. I mean, my own son is trying to kill me. Let him curse. Maybe God will turn his curses to blessings.

Meanwhile back in Jerusalem, Absalom was making himself at home in his father’s palace. When he first got there, he found Hushai waiting for him. Absalom was all, What are you doing here? Aren’t you friends with my father? Why didn’t you go with him? But Hushai was all, I serve whoever is king! I’ll be as loyal to you as I have been to your father! Absalom was all, Whatever. Hey, Ahithophel, what do you think I should do first? Ahithophel was all, Have sex with your father’s concubines to show the people you mean business.

So Absalom had a pavilion erected on the roof of the palace, where he spent the afternoon raping the ten concubines his father had left to keep house, in sight of all Jerusalem.

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