Absalom, by the way, was quite the hottie. He inherited all his father’s looks, plus a bag of chips. But his crowning glory was his hair, which he allowed to grow to his waist every year, and when he cut it, it weighed like five pounds. His mane was dark and luscious, wavy and flowing. I mean, his hair would have made Fabio ripple in envy.
Absalom also managed to sire four children before he died, young and bloody–three boys and one girl, whom he named Tamar after his beloved sister. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Currently in our tale, Absalom is still exiled in Geshur and David is pining away for his son back in Jerusalem.
Joab got sick of hearing David’s moaning, so he made a plan to get David to recall Absalom. He found a wise old woman and told her to pretend to be in mourning and go to David to ask his advice. So the wise old woman went to David and said, Oh king, please help your servant. I am a widow and my only two sons quarreled, and one became enraged and killed his brother. Now my clan wants to stone my only remaining son to death as a murderer, but if they do, then my husband’s name will be without an heir. What shall I do?
David told the woman not to worry and to return home. He would see to it that no harm befell her only remaining son.
Then the wise old woman was all, If I may say something else, my king? Why is it you judge my case so wisely, yet your own son remains in exile? Then David was all, Did Joab put you up to this? And she nodded.
So David told Joab to go to Geshur and fetch Absalom, but that Absalom would be put under house arrest in his own palace and was never to come into the king’s presence. But after two years, Absalom was sick of being stuck in his house, and he sent for Joab. Joab ignored him, having better things to do. So Absalom told his servants to go set Joab’s barley field on fire. Joab came then alright and was all, What the fuck, bro? And Absalom was all, Well I sent for you and you ignored me and I really needed to talk to you. I want you to go to my father and ask why he had me brought back from Geshur if I was never to be allowed to leave my house.
In the end, David sent for Absalom and they hugged and the family seemed to be reunited.