II Samuel 12: Nathan Chides David

So God sent the prophet Nathan to David. Nathan was all, Oh King, judge this case. There were two men, one rich in herds of sheep and goats and one poor man with only one little ewe to his name. Now the poor man loved his ewe and fed it with his own hand. But one day the rich man needed a sheep for a feast, so he took the poor man’s one little ewe.

David was all, What! Where’s this greedy asshole? I’ll punish him! And Nathan was all, The greedy asshole is you, sire. For didn’t you take Urich’s only ewe lamb, though rich in wives and concubines? Because you have done this, and angered God, It sends this message–Never will you land have peace or surcease from strife. God will take your wives and let your neighbors rape them. 

David was stricken with grief and fear at this message. He fell on his knees in repentance and begged God to forgive him. Nathan was all, Well God can’t stay mad at you. You won’t die and your wives won’t be kidnapped and raped. But…your son with Bathsheba will die to punish you.

Lo, shortly thereafter, Bathsheba’s baby became ill. David fasted and purified and mourned and generally acted the fool during the baby’s illness, but when it died seven days later, he got up, bathed, and called for a feast. Everyone was all, King, why are you ok now that the baby’s dead, but you were so grief-stricken before? And David was all, Because as long as it lived, God might forgive me and spare it, but now it’s dead and I can’t bring it back to life.

Then David went into Bathsheba and had sex with her to comfort her. Her next son was Solomon, upon whom God developed a massive new god-crush and sent word to David that this new son was his favorite and that It nicknamed him Jeddidiah (or beloved to God).

Also, as we know the war with the Ammonites went on smashingly. As the capital city was about to fall, Joab sent for David to come take it so that it would be conquered in his name. Then David sacked the city and enslaved the remaining Ammonites and made them work in the brickyards.





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