I Samuel 25: David and Abigail

By the way, Samuel died. Everyone was sad.

Anyway, David moved the band of brigands to Paran. They were running low on supplies, so he sent a message via his shepherds to this rich guy named Nabal asking for snacks and stuff, since David didn’t harm or rob his shepherds. An irascible fellow, Nabal got pissed and swore that’d he’d be damned to Sheol before that rebellious whoreson bandit got a bite of food from him.

Upon receipt of this message, David geared up the men to attack Nabal and take what he wanted. Fortunately, one of the shepherds warned Nabal’s hot wife, Abigail, about the exchange. Quick thinking, she gathered all the food she could find and loaded it up on donkeys and set off to waylay David and his men.

When she met them, she fell on her face before David and begged him to take his anger out on her because her husband was a dumbass and not worth David’s time and effort, or the bloodguilt he would incur. She was all, And here, take all this food! Surely you will spare us and God will bless you and punish your enemies!

David never could resist a dame on her knees, so he helped Abigail to her feet, cooed some solicitudes, took her food, and marched off.

When Abigail got home, Nabal was drunk and feasting. So she waited until he sobered up in the morning to tell him how she had averted his murder–that his dumbass had  brought upon himself with his temper. Nabal got real quiet and pensive. About ten days later, God killed Nabal for insulting his favorite human, David.

When David heard that Nabal was dead, he rejoiced that God had avenged the insult and then David sent some men to bring Abigail to him to be his second or third wife. (He had also married Ahinoam of Jezreel at some point). Abigail didn’t put up a fight, but gathered her things and some female servants and joined David’s harem.

In case you were wondering about David’s first wife, Micah, after the open rupture between Saul and David, Saul gave her to a dude named Palti from Gallim

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