Judges 16: Samson and Delilah

Samson never seemed to marry again, but he always had a thing for Philistine chicks. Like this one time, when he went down to Gaza to visit a prostitute he had thing for, the townspeople set up an ambush, but instead of catching Samson when he left late that night, he just tore down the gates and carried them off while the town guard stood there agape.

But the girl that was Samson’s downfall was Delilah. She was this Philistine girl that Samson just had to have. But she wasn’t just a common hooker to be won easy. In fact, she couldn’t stand Samson. But the town leaders came to her and were all, Delilah, if you seduce him and find out what will make him weak, we’ll make you a rich woman. Suffer through his weird dick until you find out the secret! You won’t regret it.

So next time Samson came around, Delilah was all smiles and purrs instead of cold shoulders. They started going steady. Then one night after they’d done it, Delilah was all, so Samson, what makes you so strong? He was all, why do you need to know? She was all, because I want to know everything about you, baby. So he mumbled something about getting tied up with seven new bowstrings making him weak….

When he was good and asleep, Delilah tiptoed out and sent word to the Philistine leaders, who provided her with the bowstrings and an ambush party. She tied up Samson, and then hollered out, Oh no, Samson! The Philistines are upon you! And Samson jumped out of bed, breaking the strings and rearing to fight. Seeing this, Delilah was all, you liar! You lied to me! Bowstrings don’t make you weak! Why don’t you trust me? Don’t you love me? To shut her up, Samson was finally all, Fine! Fine! I’ll tell you! Just stop crying for God’s sake. Fine. Look the real secret is, if I’m tied up with new ropes, I’m as weak as a baby.

As I can’t imagine that Samson would fall asleep deep enough for her to try the trick again that night, I’m assuming that on Samson’s next visit, after sex, Delilah tied him up with the ropes and again yelled that he was being attacked. Again, Samson jumped up, ropes breaking, ready to bash some Philistine skulls. Again, Delilah cried and pouted and stormed and accused him of not loving her. This time Samson told her that the secret was to tie seven locks of his hair to a loom.

The next time Samson spent the night, Delilah tried the loom with the same results. However, by this time, Delilah was getting a little desperate. The Philistine leaders were putting pressure on her to hurry up because they didn’t think Samson would buy the ruse for too long. So this time Delilah really pulled out the waterworks. She started shrieking and sobbing about how he didn’t love her, or trust her. How he’d never loved her. How he’d never gotten over that two-bit whore of a first wife of his and she be he’d told her about the secret. She kept on and on until finally Samson was all, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, SHUT UP! Shut up, shut up, shut up! You need to know that bad? You need to fucking know? Fine. If it kills me, fine. My parents dedicated me as a Nazarite at birth, and my hair’s never been cut. My mom says that an angel told her that as long as my hair was never cut I’d always be as strong as twenty men! You happy, now?! It’s my hair. My fucking hair. That’s why I keep it so long.

They cried, they cuddled, they had make up sex, and he fell asleep with his head on her lap. When he was snoring, Delilah signaled to the Philistine soldiers, and one of them crawled over to the couple and shaved Samson’s head. Then Delilah again shouted out, Awake Samson! The Philistines are upon you! Samson tried to spring up as normal, but instead collapsed onto the floor, helpless as a kitten. Then the Philistines surrounded him and tied him up. Samson cried out to Delilah for help, but she just stared at him, cold. The last thing Samson saw before the Philistines gouged out his eyes was Delilah standing there, cold and scornful.

But Samson’s hair soon began to grow.

Several months later, at the Philistine feast to Dagon, the people cried out for Samson to brought out, to be tortured in honor of their god.

Thousands of Philistines crowded into the temple to see Samson tortured and humiliated. Hours into it, panting, Samson begged his keeper to allow him to lean against a pillar for the moment. Samson reached out with both arms, feeling around for a pillar, when he realized he was standing between two. Pressing a hand to each pillar, Samson bowed his head and said a quick prayer to God to allow him strength one last time. Then he started pushing. The pillars quivered. Quivered. Hairline fractures raced across the roof. Suddenly, the pillars crumbled, the walls bowed. The roof crashed down upon the unexpecting revelers!

Everyone died, including Samson. His brothers came down and dug his body out of the rubble. They buried Samson in the tomb of his father.

 

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