Judges 15: Samson and the Jawbone

A few days later, after Samson cooled down, he picked out a fat young goat and carried it down to Timnah as a peace offering for his wife. But when he got there, her father was all, Oh. Well. Um. Well. You see…. Well. I thought you had abandoned her and I didn’t know what to do with her, you having deflowered her and all, so um, well, I sort of gave her to your best friend? Cuz he said he was used to Samson’s sloppy seconds and didn’t really mind?

Samson was all, fuck you and your whole race! When I make you pay, remember, you have no one to blame but yourself.So Samson began trapping foxes, and by the time the Philistine wheat harvest came around, he had 300 of them. He tied torches to their tails and let them go in the Philistines’ fields, orchards and granaries. Then he fled to Judah and hid out in a cave on Mount Etam.

When the Philistines looked around at the destruction of their harvest, they were all, who did this? Why? The whole story about Samson and his wife came out. Then the Philistines marched into Judah and demanded they hand over that bastard Samson. So an army of 3,000 Judeans marched up to the cave Samson was hiding in and were all, look Samson, we know you’re our cousin and everything but you’ve really pissed off the Philistines and they’re our overlords right now. So look, bud, we have to turn you in. Samson was all, fine, I’ll go with you peaceably, as long as you promise not to attack me or anything, no matter what happens? They were all, no way, man! We would never hurt you! We just don’t want the Philistines to burn our fields or anything.  Just let us tie your hands behind your back and take you down to them, ok?

When Samson was marched into the Philistine camp, they all started shouting obscenities and hoohahing and congratulating themselves on their victory. This enraged Samson and he hulked out, broke his bonds and grabbed the nearest handy item, which happened to be the bleached out jawbone of an ass. With it, Samson slaughtered the whole Philistine force while the Judeans looked on in horror. Then standing there, covered in blood and surrounded by corpses, Samson sung out:

With the jawbone of an ass

heaps upon heaps

With the jawbone of an ass

1000 I have slain

Then he threw the reeking bone away and walked off toward home.

That’s why that place is called Ramath-lehi–or Jawbone Hill.

Later, Samson cried out to God, You gave me this mission and strength! Are you going to let me die of thirst in the wilderness? And God caused a spring to appear in the valley to quench Samson’s thirst.

Samson ruled the Hebrews for twenty years.

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