Numbers 23: The Further Adventures of Balaam

So Balaam said to Balak, build seven altars and sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams, and I’ll climb that mountain over there and talk to God. God told Balaam to go back and recite the following poem:

From Aram Balak has brought me
To curse the Hebrew tribes
But how can I curse what God loves?
Such a thing just doesn’t jibe.

The Hebrews are a mighty people
They spread out far beneath
I cannot curse such greatness, no
Lest God should gnash Its teeth.

This pissed Balak off. He was all, hey, man I paid you to curse the Hebrews, not bless them! What gives?! Balaam was all, Look, man I told you I could only say what God told me to say. Balak was all, fine, well, let’s go to another spot, and maybe God will tell you to curse them there. So the went to Pigsah and repeated the ritual. This time God told Balaam to say the following:

Listen Balak, son of Zippor,
God is not a liar.
God loves the Hebrews best of all;
For them It’d brave a fire.

God brought them out of Egypt land;
God made Pharaoh cower.
Lo, Jacob sired a mighty race;
Foes they will devour.

Balak was all, what the hell? You blessed them again. Balaam just shrugged. Balak was all, ok, let’s try this a third time. Maybe God will favor me there. So they climbed Peor and repeated the ritual.

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