Numbers 16: Mutiny

At some point during the forty years of wandering,  a Levite named Korah and some Reubenites named Dathan, Abiram, and On rabble roused up a mob into mutiny against Moses. The mob surrounded Moses, rocks in hand, so Moses was all, hey guys, how’s it going? Oh, you got some rocks there? You wanna stone me again? Well, yeah, you could kill me now, or maybe you should wait until we all consult with God and see what It says? We don’t want to make It angry, right? So hey, Korah, why don’t you and your followers perform a ceremony and offer incense to God in the morning, and if It is pleased, then you know, hey, you guys can stone me? How does that sound?

Korah was all, ok, sure, guys, that sounds good. But the Reubenites were all screw you Moses! You promised us a land of milk and honey and now we’re stuck out in this godforsaken desert for god knows how long? We were almost fucking there and now we’re marching back to the goddamn Red Sea? What the fuck! Who the hell do you think you are?

Moses just ignored them and went to talk to God. He said, hey God, screw these fuckers. I’m sick of them threatening to kill me. So God was all alright! I get to do some smiting! Moses and Aaron were all whoa, whoa now big fella! Don’t go smiting everyone! Just smite the ringleaders, k? God was all, fine. You never let me have any fun. Well, you should tell everyone to stay as far away from Korah, Dathan, and Abiram as possible.

Next day, Korah and his followers were all up on the hill chanting and swinging incense, and Moses went to the camp of the Reubenites to the tents of Dathan and Abiram and called them out. So the Dathan and Abiram came out of their tents, with all their wives and kids, and Moses was all, if God is pleased with you, then nothing will happen. But if It isn’t, then the ground will open and swallow these two men. Then you will know that God has my back.

Everyone’s looking around a little freaked out and trying to inconspicuously back away when all of a sudden a giant sink hole opened up under the tents of Dathan, Abiram and Korah and swallowed the men, their wives, children and servants, their livestock and all their possessions. At the exact same moment, Korah and his two hundred followers spontaneously combusted.

Hebrews started screaming and running. It’s a panic, but eventually things calmed down. When the people realized that no more sinkholes were opening up, they actually turned on Moses and Aaron for being murderous freaks. God started whispering to the pair, saying guys I’m really sick of these ingrates. Can’t I smite them? Let me burn them all. But Moses was all, quick, Aaron, light some incense! You know it calms It down! So Aaron lit the incense and stood between the burning and dying and the living until the smell calmed God out of Its rage. It went to sleep or something. But not before It told Moses to have the desecrated incense burners melted down and turned into altar decorations.

In all, 14,700 people died that day.


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