Numbers 14

Things got pretty tense around the camp. People were pissed. They were tired of camp rations, lets be honest, of fucking manna and stringy goat and sheep because they were in the FUCKING desert, Moses, how the fuck were they supposed to maintain ginormous herds of livestock; they couldn’t remember the last time anybody ate a piece of fruit, let alone some green vegetables, what I’d give for a salad, Morty; you know they had a pretty good life in Egypt until Aaron and that no-good half-Egyptian brother of his, Moses, started rabble rousing and causing trouble, THAT’s when things went bad; and you know what? fuck this fool’s errand; let’s just go back to Egypt? who wants to go? Who’ll be the leader to guide us back to Egypt and out of this fucking desert?

Moses, Aaron, Caleb, and Joshua tried to talk people down, that God had promised that land, and that God hadn’t lied so far, and God got angry when It wasn’t obeyed, and didn’t they remember all the horrible shit that had happened to people who had pissed God off in the last few years? did they really want to take that chance? Com’mon guys, now’s not the time to get violent. Moses wasn’t threatening you, so much as reminding you, yeah? Put down those stones, guys; you don’t wanna do this man.

Just as the crowd was and the verge of stoning the holy quartet when the light of God radiated from the Tabernacle and God started whispering to Moses about how all these haters needed to fucking die right now. Moses was all, no God! Don’t smite everyone! They were just kidding, see? They weren’t really going to throw rocks at us until we were dead, right guys? See, they’re all nodding and dropping the stones. Come on, God, don’t kill us all…. uh….what would….what would the Egyptians say about you if you did all that damage to them for our sake, and then just smote us out here in the desert, without any one to see? They’d make fun of you, God, for being weak and giving up. Right everyone?  Right? And we don’t want anyone making fun of our God. We love and fear our God, right everyone? And you’re such an awesome God that surely you’d forgive us, right?

Everybody stood there frozen, breathless for a few moments. Then God was like, fine. I won’t smite all of you right now. But you’ve disobeyed me and questioned me and must be punished. So here’s the shakes. First, none of the Hebrew men alive today will see Canaan. Except for Caleb and Joshua–because those two got my back and never doubted. But the rest of you? You will not see the Promised land. You all will wander around this god forsaken desert until every single one of you have died. Then your children will claim Canaan as their birthright. So turn around and march back to start. Yeah, that’s right, the fucking Red Sea, and then if any of you losers want to go back to Egypt just swim on over. Finally, the ten spies who doubted me? Yeah, I smite them.

And the ten spies  dropped down dead.

The next day, everyone was like, we’re sorry Moses. We’re sorry we doubted you and threatened to stone you. You won’t let God kill us, will you? Anything you want, buddy, really. We see now that we shouldn’t have doubted you and should have just marched into Canaan. We’re all packed, and ready to go. Just lead the way to the Promised Land.

And they all headed off, up the hill and into Canaan. Moses was, are you fucking kidding me?!? Didn’t you  just hear what God said? It said we gotta turn around and go back to the Red Sea. Don’t go that way! Come back! If you go that way Its going to get pissed! I barely talked It out of smiting us yesterday, guys. Oh my god, you’re going to get us all killed. Come back. Please.

The Hebrews were met by the the forces of the Amalekites and Canaanites soundly routed.


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