Leviticus 18: Let’s Talk about Sex Baby

God continued, you know, if you guys don’t follow these rules, I’ll disown you and break up with you and make you pay, right? I want you to follow my rules and only believe in me and not any of those other gods out there. And even though I expect sojourners among you to follow my rules and not to practice theirs while they are visiting, I expect you not to return the favor. You should never, under any circumstances, ever follow rules or practices of either the Egyptians or of any of the peoples in which you will go among and war with. And don’t sacrifices to their Gods!

So I know I’ve given you a lot of rules about eating, and camping and things, but now I want to approach a more sensitive subject–sex. Look, I find sex among you humans pretty gross, what with the faces and the sticky bodily fluids.  But there are certain forms of sex that I find more repulsive than others. Like incest, mostly because it eventually causes deformities,which I also find gross. I mean look at some of you guys. You people’ve been screwing close relatives for generations. It’s gotta stop before things get any worse. Exogamy is good, dude. So don’t have sex with your father or your mother or any of your father’s wives. Or your brothers or your sisters, full or half-blood, whether or not you were raised with them. Don’t have sex with your grandkids. Or your aunts or uncles, maternal, paternal or through marriage. Don’t have sex with your sister-in-law or your brother-in-law. If you have sex with a woman, don’t have sex with her daughter or granddaughter while she’s still alive. That’s just tacky.

Oh, don’t have sex with your neighbor’s wife either.

For people with whom it’s not forbidden to have sex with, I have some rules about how it’s done. Like, I find menstruation really gross as it is, but nothing at all is grosser than period sex.

I also don’t approve of penis penetration between men. Don’t have sex with animals either.

Also, don’t sacrifice your children to Molech either. What’s with you people worshiping other gods.

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