Exodus 29

Ok, Moses, before the priests can start to serve me properly, they will need to be hazed, I mean consecrated. First, tell them all to bathe. Then dress them in their new outfits and pour holy oil on their heads. Then take a bull and after they all touch it, kill it in my courtyard. Smear some of the blood on the horns of the altar and pour out the rest at its base. Then burn its fat and organs on my altar, but take the rest out into the desert to burn–I don’t really like beef.  Then take a ram and kill it. Throw its blood on the altar, and burn the whole thing on it. I prefer mutton, you know. Finally, take a second ram, but daub some of its blood on Aaron and his sons’ right ears, right thumbs and right big toes. Then throw the rest on the altar. For this ram, just burn the fat and organs and its right thigh for me. Oh, and add some bread or matzoh for a palate cleanser.  Wave the rest of it before the altar. You take the breast, Moses, and give the left thigh to the others to eat. In fact, that’s going to be a standing rule–the priests get the breast and left thigh of sacrificial animals.

Oh, and once isn’t enough. You guys will need to go through this ritual every day for a week.

Normally, however, I’ll need my daily bread and daily lamb. Burn me up some every morning and every evening, so I don’t get peckish. Also add some wine, because I need something to wash it all down with.


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