Exodus 23

God continued, Ok, we’re hitting the home stretch for now. Just a few more rules to remember, then I’ll let you take a break, ok Moses? Get your head up, boy. You’re doing good.

Tell people they are not to spread lies if they know it’s a lie or if it’s to help someone else cheat in a lawsuit. And don’t join with a mob or the majority if you know they’re doing evil or wrong. But…. you also shouldn’t be partial to poor people in a lawsuit out of misconceived mercy or justice. Nor should you fuck over a poor person because you can. And don’t persecute or kill the innocent. And don’t take bribes. Have some morals, after all.

So if you see the livestock of someone you hate going astray, catch it and give it back. Don’t be a dick. Along those same lines, if you see someone who hates you abusing an animal, rescue it.

Ok, so you know how I make you guys rest every seventh day? I want you to repeat that pattern on a yearly basis. Let your fields lay fallow every seventh year so that the earth, the plants, your animals, and your servants can also take a rest.

Speaking of rests, I want you guys to celebrate three major feastdays in a year. The first is the Feast of Unleavened Bread, i.e. Passover. The second will be the Feast of Harvests, i.e. Shavout or Pentecost, where you will sacrifice the best of your firstfruits to me. And third, the Feast of Ingathering, i.e. Sukkot, at the end of harvest.

Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but never, ever offer leavened bread with any sacrifices. I don’t like yeasty things. Also don’t leave fat or sacrifices til morning, It will attract ants.

Again, and I know I’ve said this before, but never ever ever mention another god or its holiday, or else.

Oh, and one more thing. Don’t boil a kid in its mother’s milk. That’s just wrong.

Ok, so I think we’re about done for now. If you guys do all this, then I’ll make sure you conquer Canaan. Like for real. I’ll send an angel to guide you and wipe out the current residents before you get there. However, if you disobey him, it will be just like disobeying me.

I plan on committing genocide on all the current inhabitants of Canaan–the Amorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Canaanites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites. They all need to die and when you get there, don’t you dare worship their gods! You need to destroy their temples and idols. If you don’t, and you don’t kill all the people living there now, then they and their gods will tempt you into worshiping their gods. That’s cheating. And you know how I feel about cheating.

But if you worship me truly, I will not only drive out your enemies, I will make your food wholesome, end all illness and disease, and solve all fertility issues. Your lands will (Red) Sea to shining Sea (of Philistine) and from the desert to the Euphrates.

But…. don’t expect all this to happen at once or anything. This will all take time and happen gradually. That way you won’t have to re-domesticate the land or anything.

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