Exodus 20: The Ten Commandments

When Moses got up to where God was, God was all, ok, Moses first I’m going to give you the 10 most important of my rules. Then we’ll take a break before you come up for the rest. Got it? Ok, let’s get started. Here are my Ten Commandments.

  1. I am God and I saved you from slavery, so you fucking owe me, and therefore aren’t allowed to worship any other Gods.
  2. For instance, you are not allowed to make any statues or effigies of other Gods to worship. If you do, I will fucking kill you and make your children miserable for generations because I am a fucking jealous God. Got it?
  3. Also, you can’t call on me or use my name (not that you know it) or any of the sobriquets you’ve given me carelessly, thoughtlessly or as a oath. If you hear anyone doing this you must punish him!
  4. You will keep the seventh day as a Sabbath day to honor me. That means you are not allowed to do anything on that day, and neither are your kids or your slaves or even your animals. NO WORK on my day, got it?  Ok, enough about me for a bit.
  5. Show your parents respect.
  6. Don’t kill anyone unless I tell you to.
  7. Don’t cheat on your spouse. Men, you can have as many wives and concubines as you want and can afford, so why sleep with someone else’s property? Ladies, your bodies and your sex belong to some man, and if you have sex with someone who doesn’t own you, you’ve violated his property and deserve to die.
  8. Don’t steal.
  9. Don’t lie under oath about your neighbor. Or anyone for that matter.
  10. Don’t lust after your neighbor’s stuff–any of it, from his wives, to his slaves, to his goats, to his shoes.

God was all, that about does it for now, but, Moses, I am super cereal about the other gods and idols thing. That shit is cheating and you know how I feel about cheating. You can’t stress that enough to the people.

Also, you guys are going to need to make me altars to burn your sacrifices on, and I haven’t always approved of some of them. Altars to me need to be made of unhewn stones. Anything else and it makes me angry, and you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Oh, and DO NOT make any steps leading up the the altar. I hate how humans look walking up steps.

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