Exodus 4: The Burning Bush, Part 2

Moses was all, that’s sounds great and all, God, but nobody is going to believe me about any of this. They”ll just ask me what I’ve been smoking and snort. God rolled Its fiery bush eyes and was all, What’s that in your hands there, Moses? Moses was all, this? Um, it’s a staff. And God was all, toss it down and look again. Moses dropped it and, lo it became a serpent. Moses was all, holy shit, a snake! and jumped back ten feet. After God got done laughing, It was all, pick it back up, I dare you. So Moses gingerly reached out and just barely caught hold of the snake’s tail, and lo, it was a staff again. God was all, if anyone doubts you just lay that on them. Moses must have still looked skeptical, because then God was all, And if that don’t work, try this one. Put your hand in your coat. Now take it out. And behold, when Moses did, it was white with leprosy. Moses stood there staring in horror at his newly-diseased hand for like 10 minutes before God was all, now put it back in your coat and take it back out. So Moses did, and behold, it was again healthy. Then God was all, and if they still won’t believe you, take a bucket of water from the Nile and when you pour it out, it will be blood.

But Moses was all, but why me God? Can’t you find somebody else? I’m all socially awkward and I have this horrible stutter when I get nervous. I don’t think I can do this. God was all, don’t worry, Moses. For the love of all that’s holy, haven’t I told you I’ve got your back? You’re perfect just the way I made you. But Moses was still all, um, but, uh, yeah, see, I still don’t want to do all that. Really, can’t you find somebody else?  By this point, God was pissed. It wasn’t used to being argued with quite so much. So It was all, Fine, pansy, get your brother Aaron to help you. He’s a smooth talker. I’ll tell you what to say, and you tell him, and he’ll tell everyone else. Does that satisfy you, you wimp? Hey, hey, don’t forget to take your magic staff!

So Moses went back home and asked Jethro-Reuel if he could go back to Egypt to see his family. Jethro-Reuel was all, sure thing, son! Have a good trip! So Moses loaded the family onto a donkey and headed back to Egypt.

God kept talking to Moses all the way there, and told him all about Its plan to do all sorts of miracles, but that It wouldn’t let Pharaoh be swayed by them because it really wanted to smite Pharaoh and the Egyptians. God said that It would even be threatening to smite the Pharaoh’s firstborn son and heir.

Then for some reason that is not remotely explained, God tries to kill Moses while the family was stopped at an inn for the night. And for an equally inexplicable reason, God was appeased when Zipporah circumcised one of the sons with a flint knife and wiped the bloody foreskin on Moses’ feet.

When Moses was almost home, God told Aaron to go out into the wilderness to meet him. The brothers had a heartfelt tete-a-tete, then they returned to the Hebrew camp and told the elders their tale and showed their miracles, and eventually convinced everyone that they had been speaking to God.

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