Now one day, Moses was out keeping his father-in-law’s flocks (whose name is now Jethro instead of Reuel) near Mount Horeb. While Moses was sitting there watching sheep and goats eat, chew cud, swat flies and poop, he noticed that there appeared to be something on fire a little ways off. He went to investigate and realized that it was a bush on fire, but it wasn’t actually burning. More curious than ever, because horror movies hadn’t been invented yet to teach him otherwise, Moses went closer to inspect this strange phenomenon. When God saw that Moses was all eyes, It started calling his name. Moses was all, What? Um, yeah, bush, I’m Moses. Can I touch you? How do you work? But the bush was all, NO! Stay where you are and take off those dirty sandals. Don’t you know who I am? Moses must have looked dumb and confused, because the bush was all, I’m God, dumbass. You know that scary deity in all those stories about your ancestors? Moses was all, oh snap! You’re real!? And dropped to his belly in fear.
God chuckled and was all, hey, so I’ve heard the cries of the Hebrews and I’m going to end their enslavement and repatriate them to that land that I promised your ancestors. It’s a great land, milk and honey, and what not (Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, cough cough) But hey, anyway, I want you to go to Pharaoh and demand the freedom of the Hebrews. Moses was all, what now in the whosits?! Me? Who’s going to listen to me? God was all, Don’t worry! I’ve got your back. Then Moses was all, and what do you expect me to tell the Hebrews? Why would they believe that I’ve talked to you? I mean I don’t even know your name. They’re going to want to know that at least!
By this time, God was getting really irritated and yelled at Moses, I AM! You got it? I AM! Tell them that. Get them all together and tell them that I AM sent you to lead them out of Egypt. Keep telling them until they believe it. Look, they’ll believe you. I promise. Then you and the elders go to Pharaoh and request that he allow the Hebrews to travel three days away to go camping and burn me up some sacrifices…. Mmmmm…. Burned goat….. Anyway, Pharaoh won’t let you go, of course, but you’ll keep asking, and I’ll perform some miracles and do some smiting. It’ll be great. Eventually, you’ll get all the Egyptians’ gold and silver to take with you to Canaan.